Its okay to feel

I find it so hard to accept I have complex PTSD, I try to think I don't, act like I am ok, like I can forget about it and pretend its not their. I find myself feeling disgusting, sad in a way, pathetic like because I wasn't front line, blown up etc etc etc yet it cripples me at times and I beat myself up so much, yet I hide so much of my feelings from my loved ones ahsamed like, because to me I should be over everything and none of my traumas should effect me. Some people assume you should just get over your traumas, forget about it, think about the future, forget the past etc etc. If only it was that simple believe me I would be doing that and I wouldn't have the rush of fear when I drive or even as a passenger that I hide so well, I wouldn't feel trapped and so alone, scared and unsupported like I was in Kabul so I never ask for help because I was so use to getting on with it, digging deep and pushing myself to the brink of breakdown. I wouldn't allow memories of ...

 I haven't wrote a blog since finishing therapy in September. Someone said to me today people who haven't experienced trauma won't understand your thought process, feelings, emotions etc. I get frustrated when i feel like some go through so much yet they seem so normal about everything and able to go on ok. I envy, but despise that its not me able to do that. Since finishing with veterans complex treatment service I've had one private therapy session with Carolyn which I felt I needed a little while after surgery. I don't know if its because of surgery, not working at the moment, christmas etc but at the moment I just started to feel meh.....like I need a therapy session, yet I will then talk to myself to say god get a grip, I would just talk about the same shit/trauma thats popping up that the therapist already knows about to then think I would be judged to get over it, more on, don'tbe daft etc..... yet I know that would never be the case but my brain doesn...

While I sit with a bottle of Cabalie 🍷 I write my revenge for the many tears I've shed even after I left yesterday. PS - it wasn't my childhood 🤷‍♀️😂 Well I don't actually know where to start however from the feeling its the end, loss even though it isn't, scared, grateful, blessed, this is actually not the end it's just the beginning. I need to write and get it out. Carolyn, you came into my life to guide, support, teach, and help me with my traumas. Meeting you at the doctors surgery, asking me questions I thought what are you going to do that others therapists have tried. I thought I was going to be the way I was for the rest of my life and then you asked let's about your childhood (well let's just say my back was up).  I left thinking I'm not sure I can do this, but I didnt want to continue existing and not living. The time was right to try and change now. Week after week the bond grew stronger, the trust was building, even after me thinking your ...

This past week has been difficult not just for me but for many veterans, families and serving. Many mixed emotions & feelings, trying to hide from the papers, articles etc yet it was everywhere. In 2013 I went back out on tour a yr after retuning from my last one this time heading to kabul for the 6 months running my own office and overseeing 3 other offices with being the hub location. The first 2 months were great serving with the Scots DG they were top dollar, so supportive, helpful etc an honour to work along. Then they left and someone else replaced them and things turned south. I was overrun by work and when bad weather hit this would just add to it all with backlogs. Lack of support from both the replacement & management. Asking for help, being ignored, lied to just kept getting punched down. Heading out on road moves to deliver what needed to be done to be moaned at, felt as it its all my fault. They didn't like the fact they were basically a taxi service....OK but ...

 Ben Nevis. A way for me to give back to help other veterans after I was so fortunate and lucky to have received absolutely outstanding treatment from my therapist Carolyn via the NHS Veterans Complex Treatment Service. This treatment, the connection, everything I've learnt has given me a new perspective on life, a new lease of life, and many tools to move forward and I couldn't and wouldn't be where I am without Carolyn sitting by my side guiding me through the traumas, emotions, feelings, confusion, pain and questions.  The trip/pilgrimage I've just been on was fantastic nothing could have gone more to plan (well accept the weather 🤣🤣) since my breakdown in Kabul I've always doubted myself, thought I was such a huge failure, weak, pathetic, useless etc etc I've worked on this and still am working on this and the feeling is slowly reducing. So when I was sat on the side of the mountain 2 weeks ago the weather closing in quickly being told we cannot go on mean...

 So it's a week before I head to Scotland. I am so excited. 1 to climb Ben Nevis and 2 to then shut off and explore skye and other areas of Scotland. Why am I doing it? Well for me 2 years ago, I had been out of the army for nearly 6 months, working for DWP trying to forget everything that happened and move on in life however struggling with the loss of all my friends, colleagues, structure, routine, career and so much more was so painful. The transition was hard. Going to the department of community mental health once a month sadly I started to struggle again the transition to much, I felt alone, lost, confused, angry and again many more emotions tryng to think everything is OK. My therapist from DCMH referred me to TILS where I had my assessment and was then placed with my therapist Carolyn from veterans complex treatment service. I remember sitting there answering questions in such a shut down manner as to say what is this going to do that all the other shrink stuff I've rec...

Been all over the place today, joy, full of pride, pained, overwhelmed and highly emotional. Sitting in the bathroom silently crying 😢 many times, shouting at the kids for the Mess trying to keep control by cleaning to now sitting wrapped up bottom in the garden getting the words out. Yesterday I walked 26.6 miles with a friend who means the world to me. At time there was silence, laughter, tears, grunts, fun and a sense of achievement at the end. Nature for us is so important. What is does for our body both mentally and physically is amazing. We tried to explain to each other what it does. As the miles where clocking in and I allowed my mind to be free and not get tangled in any thoughts I was amazed. I said to Ashleigh I've had images, memories both good and bad replays from times of dispair and hope yet because we're walking and in this beautiful place I've not let it take over I've allowed it to come into my mind and slowly pass back out. She agreed its leaving in ...

I'm snapping, emotional, hurting inside, I want to so badly retract back into myself, hide from the world everyone and everything. The feelings running through my body and creeping back into my mind telling me your weak, a failure, pathetic, undeserving. 9th March 2017...the day keeps replaying in my head over and over. I know its been coming but I've tried at times to accept, ignore, feel, allow them in however today I've hit a wall. I haven't been fully present, distracted often sat dissociated, then I get angry that I'm allowing this to effect me and my day fully committed to work.  9th March 2017, my medical board. No matter what your never fully prepared for how your going to feel, cope, understand what to take it or not. Secretly hoping all will work out and you get a GROW programme to progress back to work to let you stay in the army to carry on serving once your better. (Will I ever be better)  I sat in the waiting room only a few weeks after an attempt on m...

Inside of me there is a flicker of light, this light is growing brighter and brighter in order to tell the truth about the depths of my depression and PTSD to the one person who loves me the most.  MY HUSBAND  The one person that loves you with everything, that you vowed in sickness and in health for better for worst they will always be there for you.  Yet that person you push so far away from you, the person you minimise how you really feel, what you have really done, you pick that carpet up and brush it all under never to talk about any of it because we're coping as us. Yet deep in me I was dying with pain, emotions, loneliness, confusion, loss, grief, and sadness from years of suppression, loss, pain from abuse in the military, alone and unsupported on tour, scared of dying every day, to return mentally broken and my physical health deteriating quickly. Why do we do this? Why push the person you love so much away from you, why are we unable to reach out to them and say...

I never admitted to anyone that I tried to take my life again for the 4th time. After the 3rd time being 25th September 2016 where I was placed into a hospital for 3 weeks it sadly wasn't the last. I had therapy on Thursday where we were continuing my Narrative Exposure Treatment and this session was for me to go through the last suicide attempt being the 25th September 2016. I began to discuss this and go through the whole process with my therapist. This was painful, remembering feeling so empty, dead inside, numb, alone, I didn't care that I was about to leave behind a husband, dog and 2 children. I didnt care that it was the day before my sons 10th birthday, I just wanted for all the pain inside of me both mentally and physically to disappear for ever. I didnt want to be this miserable, burden of an individual that I was. A so called mother and wife to me they deserved better. After the attempt on the 25th September when my husband bought the kids into the hospital the next ...

 I Nearly quit at both, Life & Therapy. You think you will go to a session and you will magically be fixed by what ever the therapist does...... Unfortunately it doesn't happen like that. I attempted suicide 3 time. Yes I nearly quit at Life. 1 a cry for help I didnt want to die I wanted help from the sexual assaults, bullying and harrasment. I was never meant to endure this especially from a line manager, your chain of command, the chain of command that is meant to have your back. Not laugh at you when your being assaulted, not turn a blind eye like nothing happened. Who was I to turn to, who was I to reach out to and ask for help. I couldn't. The second time was the only way of explaining this an out of body experience, like I was watching it happen in front off me but couldn't do anything, froze in the moment of the early hours in the morning while on Sanger duty in Kabul. I was alone all tour, scared, isolated, lonely, doing the job of 2 people while overseeing the ...

 After some bad intense feelings last night being triggered to feel these feelings and then my emotions went into overdrive I allowed myself time, Time that this morning its still there but I cannot allow my thoughts to roll with it. During the time I was being sexually harassed, bullied, assaulted at work by my Sgt in front off a Warrant Officer and others I escaped and took a trip to Canada for my leave to visit family. I had been to Canada before as I started to try go once a year either summer or winter. I would visit my aunties, uncles and cousins. I absolutely loved the difference in life there. I was so excited to get away from the horror that was happening at work to have to space, freedom, me time to forget. I was staying with my auntie, uncle and 2 cousins they would be at school during the day and my auntie a twin would car share and head to work at the airport with her sister. So I would relax, walk the dog, go for a run just complete me time. Perfection springs to mind...