Admission

I never admitted to anyone that I tried to take my life again for the 4th time. After the 3rd time being 25th September 2016 where I was placed into a hospital for 3 weeks it sadly wasn't the last.

I had therapy on Thursday where we were continuing my Narrative Exposure Treatment and this session was for me to go through the last suicide attempt being the 25th September 2016. I began to discuss this and go through the whole process with my therapist.

This was painful, remembering feeling so empty, dead inside, numb, alone, I didn't care that I was about to leave behind a husband, dog and 2 children. I didnt care that it was the day before my sons 10th birthday, I just wanted for all the pain inside of me both mentally and physically to disappear for ever. I didnt want to be this miserable, burden of an individual that I was. A so called mother and wife to me they deserved better. After the attempt on the 25th September when my husband bought the kids into the hospital the next day so my son could open his presents with me, I felt so ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted, lonely, guilty 😢 there was no conversation of what happened just mummy doesn't feel well. Me and the husband never discussed the matter either. It was like nothing ever happened, dont discuss it, mention it, lift the carpet and brush it under. Fine by me. (This isn't good though) following this i went into hospital for 3 weeks, and was placed with a new therapist to begin treatment. With stabilisation first to then start trauma focused CBT.

On Thursday in the session as we were coming to the end of the Narrative something inside me was saying why you lying, why are you not being honest, why haven't you admitted you tried again, the respect you have for your therapist the least you could do is tell her the truth, the sickness I felt, the shame, worry if I do what will happen, the pain inside me was the pain I was feeling sitting with the pills wanting to end every feeling inside me. 

I began trying to tell her, I couldn't I said nothing, it doesn't matter.....I was panicking, I felt like I was shaking, i couldn't catch a breath. Something inside me was saying come on Kara tell her admit for the first time to the first person you tried again..I some how spat out I tried again, I did it again..I overdosed again. 

After the stabilisation work from my attempt in the September we soon began CBT. This was so hard like I never could imagine. While I was doing this I was having surgeries, applying for jobs, having pre med boards, headley court admissions and then I had therapy, where my therapist said you will no longer be serving in the army, she recommends discharge along with the doctor and physio, my mental and physical health were to much for me to carry on serving. She said the report will be written up after me seeing the head consultant ready for the final medical board in March..even though I knew this was happening and I was being discharged I didnt actually believe it I thought come March things would change, I would get a GROW program, therapy would be done and all will magically be fine. Yet that afternoon back at catterick changing my CV and applying for more jobs I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, so so alone, it was like being stood on a cliff and everything underneath you bit by bit is falling apart. Replaying everything that happened in kabul over and over thinking what could I have done to stop this now, what if I could prove I'm ok, to go back and be ok, complete the tour, man up, I began hating myself so quickly, I failed, I'm useless, pathetic, weak, a waste of complete space, time and money I didnt deserve anything. My career is gone and its all my fault.

I had been trying to not use pain meds however this turned to drink and the meds slowly creeped back in. So that night after that appointment I went to the pub. Before going I took some medication my normal as my hips were sore and I was walking to the pub and needed to be ok. I drank god knows how much wine and stumbled back to phoenix house. The RST staff said been the pub again, I acted so well that I was OK, only had a few, I'm just going to go to bed. Off I went to more wine in my room.

Alone, my mind in overdrive, crying, replaying every inch of my career while drinking more I placed my tramadol and amitriptalyn in my hand and took what I could. I had posted on SM I want to die, I'm done. I quickly deleted it but someone staying there seen it and reported it to the RST staff. They came knocking I said I was fine and that I just want to sleep. She had already called an ambulance (I wasn't aware) and asked me to come downstairs for a bru and chat. So I did I said i was fine and hadn't done anything. Then paramedics walked in, I shouted I'm fine however they said just come and get checked out, so I went to hospital to get checked over. I was met by the welfare officer where I apologised and said I haven't done anything they all believed me and we went back i said I just want to sleep it was about 4am I think by this time. I said i will be down for name call in the morning. 

The next thing I remember is walking to the stairs to go to attend name call, then nothing until I woke up back in hospital. I was found at the bottom on the stairs convulsing, and rushed back to A&E. Again though I said I haven't done anything I know I've been stupid and had some wine along with my meds. 

This sadly wasn't the truth, the truth was I took what I took in the hope to die. I never told anyone this, I never admitted what I did. My husband calling me stupid on the phone, I was hiding all my emotions and feelings, shame and embarrassment from everyone. I went to headly Court and escaped for a bit trying to forget what happened.

I think about it all the time, the burden of carrying what I had done, peoples time I had wasted, the lies I have told. I am so ashamed.

I'm broken at the moment, processing the attempt in September yet everything running through my head now is the overdoes. I've hardly slept, uncontrollably crying when alone, I feel the emptiness pain in my stomach as I did for so long when I was so depressed. I keep getting waves of nausea from the times I was sick, to the point that I've even been sick. Flashes of memories walking to the stairs, flickers of falling but uncertainty as to what happened.

When you are so low and you think the only way out is suicide its so painful but the relief I felt talking the pills was freeing however it doesn't last long, fix, or get rid of anything. Its not till your in a position to receive the help, be ready for it, in a stable place can you connect with a therapy treatment and really dig deep and work on everything with a therapist that you can be honest with, trust, be vulnerable with, in order to process your traumas, feelings and emotions.

At the time that I was receiving that treatment I was in such a complex time of my life, leaving the army, surgeries, setting up home, settling down family, traumas, employment. When in that time did i have the time to focus on me, on my therapy. So I did what I could to keep my head above water. I started working July 2018 within the civil service and left the Army September 2018. It wasn't till a few months after I began unraveling, anxiety with driving, loneliness, panic attacks, nightmares, depression it was like life was settling down yet all this was becoming so heightened. Its like time slowed down, I slowed down and had to much time for me to think. 

I was then referred to TILS and placed with my now therapist under the Veterans Complex Treatment Service..I never placed this overdose on my narrative time line as I believed it didn't happen, it was me being daft, blocking it out, not wanting to admit that unfortunately I did attempt to take my life for a 4th time.

If it wasn't for the work I am doing now, the time being right, my outstanding therapist, the treatment I am receiving, the trust I have for her, the vulnerability I allowed myself to feel I would never have been able to admit this in order to work through it, I would never be in the place I am now, or the person I am now.

Yes even though I am hurting, sad, in pain currently this is the recovery processing in order for me to carry on working on things, growing, learning becoming ME again. The new ME.

So please, never give up therapy its hard but so worth it, life transforming and special. 

You got this 🙏