Dam Complex PTSD

I find it so hard to accept I have complex PTSD, I try to think I don't, act like I am ok, like I can forget about it and pretend its not their.

I find myself feeling disgusting, sad in a way, pathetic like because I wasn't front line, blown up etc etc etc yet it cripples me at times and I beat myself up so much, yet I hide so much of my feelings from my loved ones ahsamed like, because to me I should be over everything and none of my traumas should effect me.

Some people assume you should just get over your traumas, forget about it, think about the future, forget the past etc etc. If only it was that simple believe me I would be doing that and I wouldn't have the rush of fear when I drive or even as a passenger that I hide so well, I wouldn't feel trapped and so alone, scared and unsupported like I was in Kabul so I never ask for help because I was so use to getting on with it, digging deep and pushing myself to the brink of breakdown.

I wouldn't allow memories of being sexually harassed/assaulted go on repeat in my mind, even at times feeling as if someones weight it sat on me. I wouldn't jump at the loud bangs. 

I wouldn't tremble with memories rushing through my mind wondering what the bang was until you realise your actually at home and its the building work across the way.

I wouldn't allow the nausea to take over that I feel when a memory hits you out of no where. 

I wouldn't feel like this weak, useless, pathetic person who's career was lost because my mind wasn't strong enough to deal with what was thrown at me.

I wouldn't allow myself to feel sadness, loneliness, anger and fear.

This ptsd stops my full potential, I dare never volunteer for work, take any extra duties on or even go for promotions because the moment I worry about my actions, words said, overwhelming feelings or unsure I am doing ok, this would push me to self destruct, panic, feeling of failure and uselessness. Its easier to stay safe than push myself a little further. Second guessing my every move of perfection. The pressure of perfection I place on myself because all I've been taught is be the best, be perfect, never fail.....

Even though I've finished weekly therapy and I am in a much better place many emotions and feelings hit me time after time and I cry to myself and wish it wouldn't be like this and that I wouldn't have to remember all the traumas.

I'm not sure if its subconsciously that anniversaries are happening or its because I still cannot drive, I'm still in pain, I cannot do what I did before surgery because recovery is long but dam my memories, feelings they are all over the place right now. 

I sit and pray/hope that these traumas, memories would one day just vanish and I never remember them again. I wonder to myself why I cannot accept that I have this illness and that it gets to me but its ok. 

I went into surgery this time round so much more stronger than my last surgery however the loss of popping for a hike, seeing friends for coffee and not being reliant on others to do things for me are my coping mechanisms and I seem to have lost them and I'm lost. Then covid hit me and recently my triggers have increased, my memories have been more prominent my emotional pain heightened and it hurts, its scary and I shut down. However I reached out to my therapist and asked for help something I normally wouldn't do and by gosh its was good to talk, offload, and cry.

I felt ashamed and weak but understood and realised its ok to feel the way I have been. 

Ptsd is destroying 😢 it breaks you, plays with your mind, and physically in your body you feel the whole emotional pain inside.

Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Its not weak, its vulnerable, scary but worth it.