What did I do? Why Me.

 After some bad intense feelings last night being triggered to feel these feelings and then my emotions went into overdrive I allowed myself time, Time that this morning its still there but I cannot allow my thoughts to roll with it.

During the time I was being sexually harassed, bullied, assaulted at work by my Sgt in front off a Warrant Officer and others I escaped and took a trip to Canada for my leave to visit family.

I had been to Canada before as I started to try go once a year either summer or winter. I would visit my aunties, uncles and cousins. I absolutely loved the difference in life there. I was so excited to get away from the horror that was happening at work to have to space, freedom, me time to forget.

I was staying with my auntie, uncle and 2 cousins they would be at school during the day and my auntie a twin would car share and head to work at the airport with her sister. So I would relax, walk the dog, go for a run just complete me time. Perfection springs to mind.

Once they were home we would either grab takeaway, have a BBQ go to my other aunties and she would cook.

This evening we grabbed a takeaway sat enjoyed memory lane, laughed, rememised it was so nice, relaxing, fun, tears both happy and sad along with a glass of wine or 2.

They had 3 floors to their house the basement where the large cinema telly is & back room. The middle open living, kitchen room garden level and then the bedrooms on the next floor. Even though there was 3 floors it felt open. 

So we all headed downstairs to watch a movie. We still carried on laughing, joking chatting through the film we were just so comfortable my uncle David would keep disappearing with his glass and leave us then come back down.

Eventually as the night closed in for my aunties one went home the other to bed as they had work. Me and my uncle David sat and watched telly. I was staying in the basement anyway so didn't want to make him feel he couldn't carry on watching telly in his own home so stayed up. 

Things took a turn for the worst 

I cannot bring myself due to embarrassment to say what he started to do, then he grabbed me inappropriately and tired to kiss me.

IM YOUR GOD DAM NEICE (is what I'm thinking right now) 

I froze, numb he was near enough on top of me I then got from under him and ran into the other room and locked the door. 

I stayed there all night in shock, sobbing my heart out, dirty, alone, scared, hurt, thinking wtf, my aunties what do I do, then this was all me, I've caused this.

I never slept that I remember, I listened for my auntie heading to work in the morning all I did was listen, listening to hear the door go again hoping he had gone out to go the shops as he had been made redundant and didn't work.

I needed to shower, change, when I thought it was clear I ran to my cousins room all the doors had locks on so locked the door and sorted myself out. He came back knocking on the door please lets talk, I'm sorry, I was drunk, etc etc I was sickened to the core I didnt want to see him, I needed space, I needed to be outside. He left.

Eventually I got out the house and I thought I would walk to my aunties condo and wait for her. Thinking I knew where it was I got pigging lost. Wondering for hours. 

I finally met my auntie who's condo i was going to and acted as though nothing happened. She knew instantly somehow something was wrong. She asked if it was David, I nodded. I was later informed he had a drinking problem (no excuse)

I was again the problem, I was scared, have i now damaged my aunties marriage, what's going to happen to them. It was like the elephant in the room but no one talked about. I got my stuff and went to stay at my others aunties in her condo. 

I would lay there replaying it in my head to see what i did, did I lead him on, did I say anything, did I ask anything. I no I didnt but kept thinking its obviously me..I'm the problem. Its happening at work and now its happened with my uncle. What do I do, what did i do...

Why is it we blame ourselves?

Why can we not say that it was unacceptable and they were in the wrong?

I've questioned myself a thousand times over and over again. I've been back to Canada since he apologised, I'm never alone with him. It hurts everytime I see him but I play it all ok for the sake of my aunties cause i love them dearly.

Its not OK though, its not acceptable.

If this is or has happened please do not blame yourself, its not you. I've had therapy in order to now say it wasn't me, I was not the problem, I didnt do anything..its a hard place to get to. Dont punish yourself for someone else's actions.

If your going through this and haven't told anyone please tell someone. Its not acceptable, you will be ok, it will be the hardest thing to do to reach out and tell someone but you deserve better, you deserve help, action against the perpetrator dont suffer alone asking yourself what did you do, its not you its them, they are the problem.

#dontsufferinsilence #reachout #speakout #itsNotOk #sexual #assault 

Thank you for reading 🙏