While I sit with a bottle of Cabalie 🍷 I write my revenge for the many tears I've shed even after I left yesterday.
PS - it wasn't my childhood 🤷♀️😂
Well I don't actually know where to start however from the feeling its the end, loss even though it isn't, scared, grateful, blessed, this is actually not the end it's just the beginning.
I need to write and get it out.
Carolyn, you came into my life to guide, support, teach, and help me with my traumas. Meeting you at the doctors surgery, asking me questions I thought what are you going to do that others therapists have tried. I thought I was going to be the way I was for the rest of my life and then you asked let's about your childhood (well let's just say my back was up).
I left thinking I'm not sure I can do this, but I didnt want to continue existing and not living. The time was right to try and change now.
Week after week the bond grew stronger, the trust was building, even after me thinking your just going to leave me like the other therapist did. I was Scared to open up, scared to say what was hurting me, not understanding why I was feeling the way I was, why I was hurting because to me it was all me - I was wrong, it was all my fault. I had no vocabulary to explain me/my head to you.
Every week you persevered with me, asked me questions. 1 question that has stuck with me was one you sent to me in an email - I sit and listen to you and think when are you going to stop being so hard on yourself.....wow I really was (at times still am - my default for perfection I think).
The book you first ever recommend to me that I bought on my way to Dunkirk - Brene Brown Daring Greatly, a book that made my eyes start to open a little more.
The little, why don't you allow vulnerability and have that discussion with your husband or team leader - the thought of utter dread that if i did my life would fall apart where actually magic happened from them difficult conversations, connections grew, love grew stronger, trust was built (Vulnerability its a bitch - but worth it)
You were so patient with me, the pain of EDMR to then switch and to Narrative Exposure Therapy. You worked with me, you took your time, you didn't push, you were always caring something that I needed after so much heart ache, trauma, suffering from being left by others. I needed to build the trust, it couldn't be rushed and once the trust was built I was able to open my heart to you.
I sit in tears writing this because I'm sitting thinking how far I have come from 2015 not wanting to carry on living to now living my best life. To think we nearly met in 2015 through my last hospital admission to you becoming my therapist in 2019, as Ashleigh said 2015 our paths were not meant to cross yet and how blessed I am that you did come into my life at the right time.
Since early 2019 you have helped me grow into a new me, helped me acknowledge the pain, understand that it wasn't all my fault, you taught me many coping mechanisms, you rebuilt me.....not only did you rebuild me, you rebuilt my relationship with my husband & children. I am present for them, they know more about me, my struggles, my triggers and I can say I am sorry to my kids for the pain I've caused. Even after the explosive rants I have at them thats really about the way I am feeling and not them, I can now talk to them, explain my feelings to try my best to stop the generation trauma being passed down.
I am able to ask for help, say when I don't agree with things, know its ok to not be ok and that crying is ok and good for me to do. You taught me strength, patience, being alone in my own space, to love me, the me I am now. I really am truly blessed 🙌 🙏.
I have so much thanks, respect and admiration for you as a therapist and as you. I thought you were super human, had it all together that nothing phased you then covid happened. Not only were you dealing with a global pandemic but you always showed up for me (of course over zoom) and listened to me moan on, however it was during this that made me understand you were just as human as me, you have feeling, emotions, found it hard and that it was ok to feel the way I felt. I am forever grateful that you were my rock during a global pandemic.
For therapy to end on an anniversary being the first hardest childhood trauma me losing my grandad will always be a part of my memory and both a memory of sadness & strength.
Your probably all bored by reading this and I should close now before I break my phone with the amount of tears I've cried onto it.
It was nice that tonight after I posted something on Instagram about the end of therapy the messages I had from friends to say how far I had come on, how I was a new person and to that I thank you 😊 xxxxx 🙏❤
Carolyn, thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving my life, helping me build me back up to a new me, helping me gain the strength, vulnerability, courage and understanding to now be present for my marriage, kids and me, my life. I'm now living and not existing.
PS, Cabalie is the best....🍷
Well…what can I say? I remember very clearly that first appointment in Seaham. I think when I asked about your childhood, you actually rolled your eyes at me! 😂 I felt pretty vulnerable at that point. But since then there has been an astounding transformation. I don’t think I had any idea at that point how far you would come, and I don’t think you would have believed it. The courage you have had over the last two and a half years is truly inspirational. You showed up every single time. I know there were many times when you didn’t want to be there (you told me!) but still you were there, steeling yourself for what the sessions involved. Which, let’s be honest, is A LOT of hard work.
ReplyDeleteTherapy is a strange thing…you have to nudge (push!) people into their pain in order for them to come out of the other side. The caterpillar/butterfly analogy is a very good one. But doing this sometimes feels very cruel! And is difficult for us as therapists. Because the “other side” is not always within reach at that point. But you trusted me enough to go through this process and I am very grateful for that.
Week by week, we dismantled your concrete steel-reinforced defences and replaced them with strong healthy boundaries that whilst protecting you, also let people in. You have worked so hard to do this, and the results have been fantastic for you, your friends and your family. Healing happens in connection.
You have learnt (and are still learning!) to love and accept yourself. To speak to yourself in a kind, caring way. Again, a huge challenge!
Trauma has no expiry date. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line (as stated by one of our favourite authors!). And this you have also learnt. There are good days and bad days. Such is life! But now you manage the bad days a lot better. You seek help, you connect - with yourself, with others, with Bobby, with nature. And you know that it will pass. So you don’t panic as much.
So, I don’t want this comment to be longer than the actual post. As you know, I’m not that good at being succinct! 😂
I want to say thank you to you - thank you for being so brave, for trusting me, for baring with me, and for letting me be part of this transformation. I feel genuinely privileged.
As you said, this is not the end, it is the beginning…😊🌱🏞
PS: Cabalie is indeed the best…🍷