I Nearly quit at both, Life & Therapy.
You think you will go to a session and you will magically be fixed by what ever the therapist does......
Unfortunately it doesn't happen like that.
I attempted suicide 3 time. Yes I nearly quit at Life.
1 a cry for help I didnt want to die I wanted help from the sexual assaults, bullying and harrasment. I was never meant to endure this especially from a line manager, your chain of command, the chain of command that is meant to have your back. Not laugh at you when your being assaulted, not turn a blind eye like nothing happened. Who was I to turn to, who was I to reach out to and ask for help. I couldn't.
The second time was the only way of explaining this an out of body experience, like I was watching it happen in front off me but couldn't do anything, froze in the moment of the early hours in the morning while on Sanger duty in Kabul. I was alone all tour, scared, isolated, lonely, doing the job of 2 people while overseeing the running of 3 other offices. I broke and fell apart yet I did ask for help from my chain of command and nothing apart from you can do it, only a few more weeks to go. Them few more weeks lead to a mental breakdown and seconds from ending my life.
The 3rd time I wanted everything to be over, the physical pain my body was in from both my physical injuries and my mental health. Even when I had control on my physical injuries the pain that I would feel from my mental illness was unbearable. Tight chest, crushing of the body like someone is squeezing you tighter and tighter, unable to catch a breath. The feeling of nothing inside of you, deed yet hurt, angry, sad, frustrated but nobody cared, nobody understood. Regretfully I didnt care (this breaks me) that I had a husband, 2 children and a dog in my house I never wanted to be a burden on them again, be sad, be pathetic, a failure my mental health was destroying my family more so I was. So pills were my option the day before my sons 10th birthday. (I'm so sorry)
Yet in that sentence above I've managed to express words of feelings that I never knew how to feel, or could even express what they were.
Which lead me to therapy. I wanted to go in say what they want to hear and crack on with life. That is all well and good however your not being true to both you or your therapist.
I tried my best just before I left the army throughout the 2 years under DCMH however the more I think about it the more I realise alot was the yes game, some was actual treatment but I needed to concentrate on just being well enough to get a job. Dont let all them feelings in you won't function I thought keep them suppressed enough to just get through this.
This unfortunately didn't serve well. Nothing prepares you for having your career taken away from you yes I felt loss, grief, pain all I knew was the Army. I threw myself into a job, kept going once a month to DCMH but things were just not right. That fake smile, that carefree attitude, that I'm strong dont show weakness was slowly slipping. I was becoming lost again.
DCMH referred me to TILS and I was placed under the care of the Veterans complex treatment service. Here we go again I thought......when will this end....when will I just be normal......
Then I met my therapist and my god have I wanted to quit, run away, never go back, never feel but then I would never HEAL
Up until now throughout the past 2 years of treatment I have grown like ive never grown before. I always said I want the old me back. You know what I DONT I am loving the new ME.
I have learnt to feel, express emotions, feelings. I have learnt to feel them emotions sit with them and accept them (most of the time, its something you have to practice over and over) i have learnt to be vulnerable, set boundaries, ensure I give myself time for self care in order to refocus so I can care for my family, I've learnt to say NO or I don't agree with that, or I'm not happy with that. I've learnt that my opinions matter and that my emotions and feelings will not kill me.
After some appointments I felt pain again in my body, the pain I didnt want to feel. I would sit disassociated in a trance stuck between what happened and the present moment confused as to what to feel. I've cried like never before, I've physically vomited ,I've wrote email after email trying to explain what the hell is going on in my head.
I've been vulnerable going home telling my husband what I've spoke about, how I feel, its like ripping your heart out laying it in front of the person you love the most and thinking they are just going to stamp on it, But he didn't. You would also be surprised if you just let that guard down and a little bit of vulnerability out and see what happens.
I've learnt all this from my amazing therapist and the books I've read like THE CHOICE, PERMISSION TO FEEL, FINDING MEANING, UNTAMED, DARING GREATLY and many more.
Therapy isn't easy, it isn't a quick fix, it isn't one sided.
You have to take ownership, be vulnerable, open, honest. It has to be the right time in your life. You have to want it, be ready for the hard work, ready for the shift to happen that will lead to pure joy and magic of feeling alive again.
This has been one of the most hardest yet rewarding things I have ever done. The most scary, exhausting, vulnerable, emotional thing I have ever done but what its lead to, to me having a family, feeling alive, feeling in general, understanding, being able to notice what I'm feeling it's all been worth it.
So to anyone starting their journey right now, your in for one of the biggest rollercoasters of your life but stick with it, feel it, work hard and I promise it will be worth it every second of pain. It will be worth it.
Please done quit at any #yougotthis #youareworthy #youmatter
To many tears and heartache along the way.
From sunsets to sunrises 🌅 to my happy place in nature
To the smile, free-ness, whole hearted living, not hiding away from the world 🌎 ♥ you got this girl. #nevergiveup #keepgoing #DontSufferInSilence #Live #life
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