Been all over the place today, joy, full of pride, pained, overwhelmed and highly emotional. Sitting in the bathroom silently crying 😢 many times, shouting at the kids for the Mess trying to keep control by cleaning to now sitting wrapped up bottom in the garden getting the words out.
Yesterday I walked 26.6 miles with a friend who means the world to me.
At time there was silence, laughter, tears, grunts, fun and a sense of achievement at the end. Nature for us is so important. What is does for our body both mentally and physically is amazing.
We tried to explain to each other what it does. As the miles where clocking in and I allowed my mind to be free and not get tangled in any thoughts I was amazed. I said to Ashleigh I've had images, memories both good and bad replays from times of dispair and hope yet because we're walking and in this beautiful place I've not let it take over I've allowed it to come into my mind and slowly pass back out. She agreed its leaving in it the forest releasing the attachment of them.
March for me is such a difficult month being told you career is over, being alone on tour, taking a rifle and nearly taking my own life - complete dispair I've struggled alot and I said to her it's like I'm on this massive race that I'm on my hand and knees crawling toward the finish line in full pain, grit and determination but so emotionally battered. I wasn't sure I could get through March. I nearly called to say I'm not walking but I didn't I didnt want to let her down and I needed to kick myself up the ass to keep going. The walk was in a way testament that I can complete this month on a high, that yes these memories are there but I did it, I got through it.
We planned our up and coming challenge for Ben Nevis Ashleigh telling me if you can do this you will smash that.. I cannot see the connection this walk was flatish, Ben nevis is a mountain. I said to her Ben Nevis is going to be the biggest challenge mentally and physically for me. The injuries, my hips potential surgery ahead, arthritis, fibromyalgia and mentally emotional however, I explained that I feel this way because when I think about it I think of the suicide attempts, the failures, the past traumas, the pain I've caused my family, and most of all the therapy journey. I know that therapy is coming to an end and it scares the hell out of me. My therapist honestly has done so so much for me, taught me so much that even Ashleigh said im going to miss her and I've never met her 😂. It's like this challenge is signing the end of a recovery journey contract..(weird I know) I swear if I hadn't be matched with Carolyn to start this epic therapy recovery journey just over 2 years ago I do not know where I would be. I would have carried on suppressing my emotions, hiding from the truth, pain, traumas, longing to secretly try again to end it all and I would have carried on trying to please everyone else bar myself cause I wasn't worth nothing. I honeslty owe her my life.
More laughter was had yesterday Ashleigh falling 🙈😂 slow 🐌 motion style, pictures of perfection and freedom, smashing targets we set along the way. She is just amazing pure caring natured, free spirited, with a soft side of compassion and love. You are my hero Ashleigh, you are my inspiration ❤.
At 21.5 miles I was overwhelmed and emotionally triggered. At phase 2 training while out on a squadded run and officer pti screamed and called me fat, useless, unfit, pathetic and what ever else. It didn't matter if I had a back injury I was a failure 😔. I let him abuse me and said nothing. I seen his face in my thoughts this gripped me in seconds and I was ahead of Ashleigh shouting back this man broke me, kicked me mentally and I'm here at 21.5 miles (in tears at the time) I said I'd love to smash this in his face and ask him to tell me all that again (an overwhelming sense of anger, tears, panic yet self satisfaction). Never let anyone belittle you or try and mentally destroy you. It is not acceptable at all and you deserve better, you deserve respect, your worthy and matter.
The last 5 miles were awful, we were struggling but we couldn't stop we had to get to the car. Checking in with each other, spuring each other along, popping them wine gums. We got up the last hill to the car. I some how though a marathon was 26.6 miles my watch was just over 26 I said sort yourself out ashleigh here is the key and I don't know where the energy came from I jogged around the car park till my Garmin showed 26.6 and then I collapsed in a heap 😂😂😂 and made Ashleigh take my boots and socks of for punishment pmsl. We got in the car and sat in shock, silenced by pain and achievement. We did it girl. 🙌 we just did 26.6 miles I cried (Ashleigh said something that made me) and we drove home.
I was on such a high getting home 🏡 proud of my achievement yet felt alittle alone. I went to bed and pondered over what an amazing day we have had and the journey that it was. This got me thinking the recovery journey may start off ok, reluctant to allow to much out scared that it will overtake and you cannot control anything but the more you keep going the more you become in control of memories, life, triggers, emotions. Yes they will hit you sometimes when you least expect it but they won't last as long, you will be able to understand them, get a grip of them, feel them, process them and put them away.
Coming from traumas, to suicide attempts I never thought life could be possible again. I promise you with the right therapist, treatment plan, support, dedication from yourself and that your ready to work hard, be honest, open, open minded and ready to dig deep you also can do it.
Take ownership, its your recovery, say if something isn't right or isn't working. Yes there will be times where you will want to throw the towel in and never feel again but ride the rollercoaster 🎢 out till the end and believe me life can be magical again. Xx
#suicide #traumas #ptsd #depression #recovery #triggers #emotions #yougotthis #YouCanDoIt #yourmentalhealthmatters #yourrecoverymatters #yourworthy #yourstrong #fightthis #ownit and go on to inspire others reach a comfortable place..xx
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