I'm snapping, emotional, hurting inside, I want to so badly retract back into myself, hide from the world everyone and everything. The feelings running through my body and creeping back into my mind telling me your weak, a failure, pathetic, undeserving.
9th March 2017...the day keeps replaying in my head over and over. I know its been coming but I've tried at times to accept, ignore, feel, allow them in however today I've hit a wall. I haven't been fully present, distracted often sat dissociated, then I get angry that I'm allowing this to effect me and my day fully committed to work.
9th March 2017, my medical board. No matter what your never fully prepared for how your going to feel, cope, understand what to take it or not. Secretly hoping all will work out and you get a GROW programme to progress back to work to let you stay in the army to carry on serving once your better. (Will I ever be better)
I sat in the waiting room only a few weeks after an attempt on my life that I've only just admitted to my therapist to myself feeling so alone, scared, broken, angry, frustrated, sad, nervous and in pain. My Personal recovery officer with me as I couldn't have coped on my own at that appointment.
When we went in I hobbled through on my walking sticks and sat so very dissociated thinking please let this be quick. My personal recovery officer did alot of the talking for me while I sat silent tears falling down my face, feeling the pain in my hips, the loss in my gut, the sadness in my heart my body wanting to scream just let me die.
The doctor going over everything from the sexual abuse, the tour, medical reports, my hips, my surgeries, my medication, my therapist and treatment, my admission to the mental hospital, my attemps on my life it was all ringing in my ears I wished not to hear. Sat embarrassed and ashamed the tears unable to stop, the breathing becoming harder and harder to control, I wanted them to stop, just stop talking please, stop repeating everything any of it, this hurts but I didn't I couldn't speak out loud.
She said to me I'm going to run it by another officer just to 100% confirm and get it signed off however I feel your career is over........your career is over - just writing that I can feel a sense of anger, resentment coming up through my chest into my throat I want to scream I hate you all yet I want to throw up and cry.
Nothing prepares you for them words your career is over, your being medically discharged. Start your transition after surgery. I felt hollow, invisible in a way, scared, lonely, sick, panicked, angry, hurt, neglected. So many question's, I remember sitting there saying quietly to my personal recovery officer I ASKED FOR HELP, I ASKED, THEY IGNORED ME, WHY ME.
Everything you feel you have built since you got on that train leaving your family to start your career has just been ripped from under you. I remember sitting pins and needles in my legs while waiting for her to come back. was that a sensation to the feeling I was feeling at that moment, It felt like a sledge hammer was getting taken to every stage of my life and I'm watching it, trying to not fall of the blocks being destroyed section by section till there was nothing left and I fall into a black hole.
I tired so badly not to feel anything at that appointment but there was just so many feelings I couldn't cope.
I signed the papers and was driven back phoenix house where I was staying, went to my room and cried so much, I had an immense panick attack to the point where my muscles would tighten and I couldn't open my hands to reach for the cord to call someone, i couldn't breath, I was hurting everything gone, I laid on the floor for hours alone.
I left in September 2018 as I had a big operation to deal with first. The pressure so immensely overwhelming to get a job, provide for my family, dont let them down again, to the point I put my recovery under pressure going to therapy giving the old thumbs up yeh I'm ok yet so scared, alone. I reverted to my safe place during the last few month just get a job, suffer in silence, head down, work hard and harder don't fail again. The blame all on me nobody else.
Transitioning is hard, it wasn't just the loss of my job, career it was everything security, safety, friends, colleagues. I'm doing amazing now but times like now the memories, the overwhelming sense of loss, failure, grief, pain, anger its there and I'm trying not to let it control me.
Something in me wants to write i want it all back so badly, I miss it so much, then I'm reminded of the pain, suffering, lack of support, neglect and think why would I do that to myself. The mind is very good at playing tricks on you. Then the loneliness sets in and the circle keeps going round.
Medical boards, transitioning, leaving it all behind it hurts, I need to let tomorrow be and keep focused on the here and now and not punish myself for being upset, not fully present and feeling all these feeling that it's OK.
Tomorrow the sun will rise, the beauty of the day, for the sun will set and the day has passed away for another year. 🙏
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