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Asking for help, having a slip back

Its so difficult to ask for help when your so use to coping on your own never giving up and never thinking of yourself always ensuring everything and everyone is ok before you.

Thats the way it goes.

My last surgery in 2018 on my hip never meant much to me but to stop the pain. I wasn't mentally or physically in a good place so I could never drop any lower when I was already so low.....

2021 I finished therapy in September and had my surgery on the other hip in November. I thought yes this will be tough but I am in a much better place mentally and physically I will cope no problem....little did I know that my surgery was complex, I required a blood transfusion and I underestimated the length of recovery and my mental health took a nose dive, its hit me hard.

The isolation, the independence taken away from you, the help required from others, the loss of my many techniques/go to's to help me keep going like paddleboarding, hikes, meeting friends it was all gone. 

I tried so hard to remain focused however the memories and feelings become louder the physical pain caused from you mental health became stronger and more painful at times unbearable. Isolating myself more because I'm scared of connecting with people worried of what people think/feel that I should be over everything. 

I had to reach out, so back to my therapist I went well zoom to start with. 

I feel like such a pathetic failure not just with myself but with pretty much everything I do. I want to put so much more into my job yet I struggle so badly to step out of my comfort zone because the first sign of a mistake the perfectionism in me will kill me rather than assist me. I have one of the best managers as well that I could ever wish for. Its hard to imagine a good manager after so many poor ones that let me down.

I'm blessed yet feel so concerned I'm just this weak, uneducated, failure that always feels like I'm going to get caught out for being rubbish at anything I do.

Now I know this is they story I tell myself however its the side of trauma that has destroyed you and you end up living with and battling constantly its exhausting.

Complex PTSD really can be so difficult, when it effects me It hurts the pain is unbearable. From the memories of what my uncle did to me, to the 2 years of sexual abuse, harrasment and bullying to the neglect on tour leading to attempts on my life, the loss of my grandad, and the drunkeness of a father can come back in many forms. To feeling as if someone is sitting on me, physical sensations of the attempts i made to stop all the pain, the loneliness, guilty, emptiness i feel that begins a reply many memories. All i want is for them to stop, to not feel them 😪 

Dam you PSTD. 




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