Its okay to feel

 25th September 2016. My son 💙 so excited that his birthday was the next day and he was turning into double. The big 10 years old.  I returned from Afghanistan April 2014. While out there as mentioned in a previous blog I came very close to taking my life in order to escape the trapped, lost, alone, confused, scared, hurt feelings i was feeling. No one ever knew even after being aeromeded to Bastion I never told the doctor. I just said I wasn't well. Unfortunately after my return things for myself both mental and physically didn't go to plan. I tried so hard to keep going and remain strong however in the March 2016 I was returned to the UK from Cyprus to the Personal recovery unit. I thought I would get a GROW program in time and back to it, but a few months down the line I was told I was being medically discharged. So much was happening, my therapist left me, doctors where ignoring my pain, I walked with 2 walking sticks as my hip dislocated pretty much, I was sinking, strug...

7th September 2018 My final day in the British Army. 08/10/2000 - 07/09/2018 💔 RAF Akrotiri 2015 trying my best to keep the mask on, keep it all covered up, silently fighting a battle unfortunately the last time I was in uniform. I was returned to the UK on route for what I was hoping was a GROW program but it ended up being a medical discharge I sobbed when I got this but also proud to be a veteran All gone. No piss up, leaving references, no friend goodbyes, I didn't even hand my ID in. As I was under the Personal Recovery Unit, I have left behind all my colleagues from my trade, bar a few friends I was in contact with via SM I was on my own lost, lonely and afraid. I had been working within the civil service for 3 months all I could think was is that it? has the past 17 years plus really ended like some sort of dream .  A horrible feeling of loss, emptiness, sadness and confusion that went through me and questioning what/where have the past nearly 18 years gone, what could I ha...

 I've attempted suicide 3 times in total i think seems like more with all the suicidal thoughts. One back in 2003 when I was sexually abused, bullied,assaulted and harassed by management. I overdosed, then lied. I said I had a migraine and took one to many tablets. To me this attempt wasn't an attempt to end my life in a way it was more of a cry for help. I had gone through 2 years of all this crap mentioned above and well get on with it was all I had to do. I had know one to talk to about it just soldier on and that's what I did. I suppressed that I was scared, sad, alone, hurt, uncertain, powerless and trapped. New in the army shut up, say nothing, man up. To cope with the pain I also use to scratch my arms to make myself bleed along with using alcohol to numb any emotions. I managed to fight on and after everything was over in time I was then posted to a new unit and things started to turn around and life was good, amazing new baby, husband it was going great. The next w...