25th September 2016. My son 💙 so excited that his birthday was the next day and he was turning into double. The big 10 years old.
I returned from Afghanistan April 2014. While out there as mentioned in a previous blog I came very close to taking my life in order to escape the trapped, lost, alone, confused, scared, hurt feelings i was feeling. No one ever knew even after being aeromeded to Bastion I never told the doctor. I just said I wasn't well.
Unfortunately after my return things for myself both mental and physically didn't go to plan. I tried so hard to keep going and remain strong however in the March 2016 I was returned to the UK from Cyprus to the Personal recovery unit. I thought I would get a GROW program in time and back to it, but a few months down the line I was told I was being medically discharged.
So much was happening, my therapist left me, doctors where ignoring my pain, I walked with 2 walking sticks as my hip dislocated pretty much, I was sinking, struggling so much. I had started EDMR but my therapist left me half way through with no one to replace, come off your meds if you don't think they are working ok I did.(not the best thing to do)
My husband placed a claim in regards to my injuries and I was told get lost it's your childhood. I remember taking the letter heading out smoking cigarette after cigarette (i had stopped for years) foaming with anger on the beach wanting to really hurt something/someone. I thought screw it's just another nail hitting my head knocking me down.
The feeling of being stuck in waist high cement trying to walk forward was a feeling I felt. Lonely not knowing how I'm going to get out, stuck with no-one or no where to turn to. I was at the bottom of a well unable to get out and the light you see shining in slowly disappearing was all i could see. Numb in my body but yet pain so unimaginable both mentally and physically that I wish I could have just turned a switch off for it to silence.
Leading up to the day it was spriling out of control, drinking, abusing pain medication, sitting on the cliff edge so close to jumping. My personal recovery officer trying her best to keep me going day by day but I just wanted to die.
No feelings, no care for me or anyone. All i could think was my family are better off without me. I'm just a useless, failure that has treated them like absolute shit..they deserve better
24th September I tried my best to be normal, be ok, push aside any feelings I had, please everyone else. Be a robot Kara be a god dam robot. The pain was bad still nothing on a new therapist and all I kept thinking was how can I end it. I Began taking my meds early morning as normal. Plodding through the day taking more and more. Tramadol, amitriptalyn, paracetamol and naproxan one after another and another. That afternoon my husband came home I lost it with him called him all sorts and said screw this. I got more meds from my room and left taking more and more as quickly as possible. Praying for the second to come where I would feel no more and can slip away.
My phone rang, a friend asking if i wanted to walk. I cried my heart out and said I need to go to hospital ive overdosed.
We went straight there. I was quickly placed on various drips for reverse something and it made me sick very quickly. All I felt was please let me go make it all go away.
My personal recovery office called and told my husband and the crisis team were called the next day to see me in hospital. I sat with them and for the first time ever I opened up and told someone how much I was hurting. My personal recovery officer quickly getting in touch with DCMH to get something sorted.
The crisis team said they will visit me the day I get home. After they left my son came in with my husband and daughter. I never felt so much shame, guilt and embarrassment. Them seeing me like this broke my heart so badly that I had hurt and failed them I'M SORRY.
My son had his presents 🎁 in a bag waiting and wanting to open them. His smile so excited melted my heart ❤ I cried so much and said i was so so sorry for hurting him. My daughter was shy and gave me a cuddle. What kind of mother ruins her sons birthday. He sat next to me on the bed opening his presents with such excitement.
I'm so proud of them all so much but something in me was missing, I was dead inside. I felt nothing. I put a massive front on to make sure they got some positive feelings while visiting me yet deep down i didn't want to be alive.
He is now turning 14 and I have never been more proud of him and the boy turning into a young man he is turning out to be. What he has seen, dealt with breaks my heart however the only thing i can do is educate, love, talk, and be there for him to answer anything he has to ask me (which at the moment isn't much I get a grunt ha ha) I will always love and support him. I'm truly deeply sorry I ever put him or my family through this.
I always try my best to make his day special, in a way I feel I have to to make up for the pain I caused that day 4 years ago.
Within 2 days after that my new therapist couldn't guarantee and I couldn't to her that I wouldn't try ending my life again so I was admitted voluntarily to West Park hospital for 3 weeks. I actually got out on the 18th October the day before my birthday.
Suicide is so complex I'm a survivor and now with all the treatment and looking back I'm so glad I'm here. The pain and suffering that could have been caused is worst than what I did. Suicide passes all the pain your suffering onto your loved ones and they live with that everyday for ever. When your in this dark black hell hole you think there is no way out. You can get out. It is extremely hard, painful the recovery isn't easy. learning to feel your emotions, feelings and expressing your thought's and traumas, I honestly thought they would kill me but they didn't and won't. Keep working on talking, opening up working on yourself I know it sounds easy but I know it also isn't. My therapist use to receive emails at daft o'clock the day after my sessions cause I was hurting so much, the memories, confusion, questions, pain I was feeling I would email all this to her saying WTH is happening. I wanted to quit surly not going through all this and ignoring it would be easier than feeling it. Unfortunately it isn't because in time all this that you surpress it will bite you on the ass and hit you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.
4 years on and I'm still learning to be vulnerable have the courage to talk, be more open allow myself to feel its hard but its getting easier. The emotions and feelings you get and want to ignore dont go round them, sit with them they will tell you something.
The suffering in silence makes it worst it installs that alone feeling making you think you have know one to go to. Please reach out and ask for help if you feel this way your not a burden, your not alone 🙏 ❤
You deserve support, help, someone to offload to never feel alone.
Please if anyone takes one thing from this is if you are struggling please please reach out and message, call, see someone because you matter.
Please dont end your life I personally beg you. Keep fighting, your worthy and matter
Thank you for reading this ❤
I love you son - 💙 manged to grab a picture today ha ha
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