I've attempted suicide 3 times in total i think seems like more with all the suicidal thoughts.
One back in 2003 when I was sexually abused, bullied,assaulted and harassed by management. I overdosed, then lied. I said I had a migraine and took one to many tablets. To me this attempt wasn't an attempt to end my life in a way it was more of a cry for help. I had gone through 2 years of all this crap mentioned above and well get on with it was all I had to do. I had know one to talk to about it just soldier on and that's what I did. I suppressed that I was scared, sad, alone, hurt, uncertain, powerless and trapped. New in the army shut up, say nothing, man up.
To cope with the pain I also use to scratch my arms to make myself bleed along with using alcohol to numb any emotions.
I managed to fight on and after everything was over in time I was then posted to a new unit and things started to turn around and life was good, amazing new baby, husband it was going great.
The next was while on Herrick in 2014. I was alone, trapped, forgotten about, scared, hurting, confused, sad, angry, annoyed, disregarded, ignored and I fought and fought to keep going, keep fighting on against the confusion that I was feeling as to why I was feeling like this. I tried my best and got to 5 months roughly when on Sanger duty I thought I can no longer do this, I can no longer feel any of this pain inside me or confusion as to what the hell is going on and why. How could I get out of this situation was all I could think.
( this is extremely difficult for me to write and I'm finding it very hard I don't want sympathy either but If someone can relate and it helps them identify what they might be feeling and reach out that's a positive)
I was so disassociated from myself that I now have visions I went through with it like something from a movie. I had no emotions, no feelings, no concern. I was calm, empty, numb, black, not scared or frightened I just felt it was the right thing to do. I 🤮🤢(sorry) I held my rifle, I cocked it. It was loaded and ready. The safety catch was on to start with and I kept rubbing and feeling the trigger, closing and opening my eyes so slowly, breathing deeply and calmly. I then took the safety off and held the trigger, barrel under my chin. I cannot remember how long for. I was just in a massive state of well all i can say is like a kind of out of body experience. Eventually It was like I woke up in a way and was like WTF. I quickly put the safety catch on and made my rifle safe. This, this incident is the pinnacle of everything in regards to failing, losing my career, my life in a way, my happiness, my mental health everything to me was lost that early morning. Not long after that I was in with the doc and aeromeded to Bastion to see a physiatrist however I never told anyone I did that. I told them I was not well. I stayed in Bastion where the rest of my unit was to complete my tour all thinking I was just not well.
The next time was the day before my sons 10th birthday 25th Sept 2016. Not long before I was dumped by a physiatrist and told to come off my meds if they were not working OK so I did. Along with this and being in serious physical pain with my hips and no one listening I had had enough, I'd come to a point where I was again alone, no one cares, everyone is ok I'm not, my kids and husband would be better off without me, my physical pain would be gone, i wouldn't be this burden or failure if I am not here so I started that morning by taking my normal dose of pain meds but I knew i wanted it all over with today and then I kept taking them over the limit of what i should I then couldn't stop. Tramadol, amitriptalyn, paracetamol and naproxan. I just kept going. My husband returned argued with him and I walked out and kept taking them till I fell over. A friend called to see if i wanted to go for a walk. The only thing i said was i need to go to hospital and I'm here. I was quickly put on various drips to help. They called my recovery officer who contacted my husband. The next day the crisis team came to talk to me to which i just broke down and poured my heart out.
My son came to visit with his presents so he could open them ( what kind of mother does that - i was broken)
Behind the scene my recovery officer was quickly trying to sort me out with a new therapist. Once out of hospital I met her and I couldn't promise I wouldn't try again and she didn't want to leave me so i went to a mental health hospital for a few weeks to rest.
This attempt was an attempt to end it i knew i never wanted to breathe again, feel the pain that's inside your body but you cannot seem to do anything with. You want to rip your insides out to stop it hurting. Turn everything off, functioning was just to much i tried and tried and no longer wanted to carry on putting a mask on, pretending all was OK, battleing with my head.
Along with the above suicidal thoughts happened alot and still do they come and go but I am aware that I am no where near ever going through with anything I think, i just know that at that moment things are hard, emotions are heightened and feelings are all over the place.
I can sit on the clif near me and want to jump, I can be driving thinking what if I just drive fast into the wall and it all be done with or someone please take me out. These thoughts can be controlled its knowing they are there and reaching out saying to someone that's how you feel is ok. It's OK not to be ok..reaching out is not a sign of weakness its taken you more courage, vulnerability and strength to do that and reach out, than try and fight this battle on your own. I beg anyone reading this if you feel any of these feelings or your scared, confused, alone, hurting or you have suicidal thoughts to please reach out. Your not alone, don't suffer in silence 🙏. Your worth more than you think. Suffering in silence and alone makes it so much harder. Your not a burden either or crazy or anything your mind is tricking you into believing you are. Please please please reach out.
The only reason I personally say they can be controlled is cause now I have come from rock bottom from the last attempt to where I am now yes still having them but I'm aware. I'm never as low as I was to actually go through with it now. To me it tells me to reach out, talk to someone, try figure out what's going on in order to carry on fighting, functioning so you can get the right help you need. Ive only done that with having the right therapist/phycologist to help, teach, guide, understand, support me through my recovery. If yours isn't right make sure you say otherwise you won't open up, speak out or trust them. #keepgoing #keepfighting #dontsufferinsilence #ItsOkayToNotBeOkay #yourstrong #yourworthy #youmatter #yougotthis 🙏❤
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