My last day in the military (2 yrs ago) does the feeling of loss get easier?

7th September 2018 My final day in the British Army. 08/10/2000 - 07/09/2018 💔

RAF Akrotiri 2015 trying my best to keep the mask on, keep it all covered up, silently fighting a battle unfortunately the last time I was in uniform. I was returned to the UK on route for what I was hoping was a GROW program but it ended up being a medical discharge

I sobbed when I got this but also proud to be a veteran

All gone. No piss up, leaving references, no friend goodbyes, I didn't even hand my ID in. As I was under the Personal Recovery Unit, I have left behind all my colleagues from my trade, bar a few friends I was in contact with via SM I was on my own lost, lonely and afraid. I had been working within the civil service for 3 months all I could think was is that it? has the past 17 years plus really ended like some sort of dream.

A horrible feeling of loss, emptiness, sadness and confusion that went through me and questioning what/where have the past nearly 18 years gone, what could I have done to stop this happening, and how could it have just gone just like that, what did I do wrong?. As if you were stood on something being supported by it and it had been pulled from under you and you suddenly hit concrete, rock bottom its all gone.

I knew I was being medically discharged from my med board but nothing prepares you for the intense emotional feelings that hit you when you take a moment on the day it happens.

My mental and physical health was no longer in good stead, could no longer carry me. No longer am I fit for service. Having CPTSD, Depression, Bilateral HIP Dysplasia-having required to have my pelvis broke and needing my other done as well, RSI in both wrists and arthritis in my ankles I was battered..my body could carry on no longer.

Is this what it all came to, all this pain and suffering 💔 . At times its so difficult remembering the good times even though there was so many, the dark sometimes takes over the light and the emotional pain hits and takes over even now.

The friends you make, the family you feel your in, the support you receive, the colleagues you work with....one big family. The banter, piss ups, get togethers, travel, memories it all ended in the blink of an eye.

Its all gone, no follow up phone calls, connections lost, friends dwindle getting on with their careers the bitterness that can part you. You feel lost. Who am I now who do i become. All I knew was this life, this family, this way of living and its ended.

I remember sitting on the cliff side numb, confused, blank, sad, alone, angry there was so many emotions going on i just didn't know how to process them. It was my daughters birthday the next day so we celebrated kids bouncy castle out the front of the house for the kids (maybe adult's as well) and well one big piss up in the back garden for the adults to celebrate. I remember the laughter, the family, my cake my mum had made, but underneath it all was the sadness, loss, pain, grief, humiliation, feeling of failure on my part. Put that smile on Kara keep that mask on tight all will be ok.

Bless my mother the cake she had made for me

I have been working since still trying to find out who I am, maybe I need to just embrace the person who goes to work, cares for my kids, my relationship with my husband and enjoy life as it is now everyday. The loneliness still gets me, and I miss knocking on a friends door saying we going for a pint. (It seems harder in civi Street)

I'm grateful 🙏 I have had the support from an outstanding therapist through the NHS veterans complex treatment service 🙌 which started 6 months after leaving the army referred from DCMH as I needed further treatment in order to keep fighting. I am not sure where I would be today without this. So working through a timeline of painful events, to learn, grow, understand, process to carry on living is helping so much. I haven't got to this one yet in my timeline and writing this I have been sat in tears, feeling the feelings and emotions over again hurts for sure.

still I sit now and remember where I have come from, the bleak darkness of suicide attemps to growing everyday the new me is there its slowly untangling and its to become stronger, aware, and if I'm not OK my family isn't so i can never give up.

Yes leaving and losing my army career has been the hardest and on par with all the Afghanistan trauma and something I'm dealing with but it also taught me so much and I've built the life I have now on what it has taught me. All i can say is yes it is hard but you can get through this there are some amazing support networks to keep you in touch and I have met some amazing veterans along the way, that have become amazing friends for life more than what my trade friends were so please never give up, never suffer in silence 🙏 I feel your pain and can empathise take the good no matter how small and focus on that rather than the bad, yes you may slip and thats OK just please dont suffer in silence.

Thank you for the mixed nearly 18 years onwards and upwards make sure your happy 😊