Ben Nevis

 Ben Nevis.

A way for me to give back to help other veterans after I was so fortunate and lucky to have received absolutely outstanding treatment from my therapist Carolyn via the NHS Veterans Complex Treatment Service. This treatment, the connection, everything I've learnt has given me a new perspective on life, a new lease of life, and many tools to move forward and I couldn't and wouldn't be where I am without Carolyn sitting by my side guiding me through the traumas, emotions, feelings, confusion, pain and questions. 

The trip/pilgrimage I've just been on was fantastic nothing could have gone more to plan (well accept the weather 🤣🤣)

since my breakdown in Kabul I've always doubted myself, thought I was such a huge failure, weak, pathetic, useless etc etc I've worked on this and still am working on this and the feeling is slowly reducing. So when I was sat on the side of the mountain 2 weeks ago the weather closing in quickly being told we cannot go on meaning we are not completing Ben Nevis today I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I felt like I was being told - I TOLD YOU SO FAILURE.....from so many people who I had previously worked with a replay right in front of my eyes.

I sat trying my best to pin point sections of a ridge where we could scramble up with no idea at all telling Ashleigh my friend my thoughts. When everytime I was looking at her I could see it in her eyes we cannot go on, we are turning around. 💔 I found shelter behind a massive rock away from the wind and cried... I said to Ashleigh I have to try again, we have to leave here completing it, I cannot fail. She told me later she knew how much this will hurt Kara what do I even say to tell her it's going to be ok and that you didn't fail which was massive for a friend to think, process and address.

We cried alittle more and then burst into laughter when she said we would be on the 6pm news 2 idiots stuck on the mountain ⛰🙄 we chatted and then it began to snow ❄ . Being at the North Face of Nevis, no one around the ridge, the mountain it was magical in sense. We assessed our descent and slowly made our way down still taking in the breathtaking views of nature. What a bloody good walk we said when we reached flatter groud turning around looking back at how bad it looked.

Getting back to the tent we had a lazy afternoon and planned our adventure for the next day. However what was on my mind was when are we going again, how do I tell people, the feeling I failed was laying there ready to eat me up.

After a hot shower a glass of red we chatted and Ashleigh said Kara we would have died trying to reach the top, you haven't failed your alive she said to me. We were so close but it was impossible to complete and that could potentially happen again when we try again. She said if we dont complete it this time we come back, the mountain will still be here and we go again. I agreed but deep down 1 persons words sometimes just isn't enough for you to believe.

I had to inform people on social media as people were waiting because they knew we had began our journey. I took to my pages and explained the situation.......I was overwhelmed by the response from so many people. The amazing kind words saying that it's OK and being alive is more important than a mountain and so much more. I cried reading them and that's when realisation set in that I haven't failed I've had to reassess and try again.

I truly believe this did happened for a reason and when I was telling my husband he also said the same maybe this will help you dampen them feelings that you are a failure when you smash it next time you try. I told him we were hoping to try again on the Wednesday. We were having Tuesday as a fun day. How them plans changed.....

Tuesday we were heading for a hike to the waterfall and then in the afternoon was of for an outdoor swim. The waterfall was beautiful a nice gentle 3 mile walk taking in some amazing scenery. As we were driving to our next activity I said why don't we stop at the Ben Nevis visitors centre see what info they have ie more detailed weather, is it accessible etc etc so we did. I went in and a young man explained the poor weather reports due to not getting enough info from flights, that people are reaching the summit, white outs, footprints etc and said today is good might be worth heading up now. I got to the car and told Ashleigh. We looked at each other with a hugh question mark stamped on our foreheads for literally a split second. It was a case of errr ok let's just go smash it. So by 1330 we were changed, kit repacked and on our way. It hadn't actually sunk in what we were about to try again. 

Take 2.....it was brilliant to start, taking it all in, chatting to people coming down we were smashing it as well. We got to the beginning of the snow on the floor and just as we did the clouds ⛅ came in and the snow began. We got sorted coats on etc and cracked on taking in some amazing views.

We kept going and we were doing fine with time. sometimes the snow got bad but it was manageable then it got harder and harder the snow was getting deeper and at times visibility was really poor having to catch a break in the white outs to look for the man made points to know we were heading in the right direction. At one point I had stopped and was thinking to myself what on earth have I done, why have I done this....at this point 2 men in kilts (crazy) said your only about 500meters away. I tell you now that 500 meters felt like 500 miles. To the point everytime Ashleigh said there is the another point we are nearly there I screamed we are no way bloody near.........🙈🙊 I walked some more and a blizzard happened again I dropped to my knees and crawled I felt I was moving quicker doing that than walking. Ashleigh turned around (she said to me later she thought omg what have a done) she came took my arm and said one step at a time ( thank god she never said we are nearly there) 🤣🤣.

We walked a few more steps and she said I can see another point just past them 2 people who were stood still we wondered why they were not walking. Ashleigh looked at me and said we are bloody here.....we have made it grabbing each other to hold we cried tears of joy and just as we stopped the clouds parted and blue sky could be seen #perfect.

We snapped some pictures quickly before the weather turned again and we began the climb back down longing to be out of the snow. 

 

Little bird at the top visiting us.

We were so glad when we made it out of the snow. The snow made it so difficult especially when the white outs happened and we had to take it so slowly to ensure we were on the same route back as 1 step to far you could drop and die.

The only person I told that we were heading up to do it again was my husband and the relief telling him we had done it and we were on our way back down was an amazing feeling. I was absolutely buzzing, overwhelmed with joy, happiness and relief. 

We plodded down, seeing our tent at points so looking forward to a hot shower, cheese, cracker and red wine in our pjs the simple things in life. When we got near the bottom a beautiful rainbow 🌈 came out and the sun was just beginning to go down it was beautiful. Rainbows to me are my grandad being near 💙 he was checking in on me that day for sure and what a perfect 🥰 way to end that journey. 

I was so proud of me and Ashleigh. Ashleigh has been a rock through the aftermath of my appointments and has become an amazing friend ❤ in which i will cherish our friendship forever. She is inspirational, hardworking, funny, determined (yet sensible thanks for keeping me alive) and just bloody lovely I owe her so much for bringing and guiding me on an amazing adventure together. 😊 #adventurequeens 

I honeslty couldn't have done it if it wasn't for you and these memories will stay with me for the rest of my life. Thank you for being you ❤💛

I also want to thank for husband for holding the house down and dealing with the kids allowing me to go. So so grateful 🙏 love you always. 

A special thank you to all the amazing supporters along the way to everyone who shared my posts, commented and to all for the amazing donations. I'm forever grateful and truly blessed 🙌🙏 we raised an amazing £2020 for Walking With The Wounded to aid other veterans in needs ❤🙏💙

An experience that will live with me forever and one that taught me so much. I am not a failure.

The end picture 📷 get us to our wine.....