Its okay to feel

Been all over the place today, joy, full of pride, pained, overwhelmed and highly emotional. Sitting in the bathroom silently crying 😢 many times, shouting at the kids for the Mess trying to keep control by cleaning to now sitting wrapped up bottom in the garden getting the words out. Yesterday I walked 26.6 miles with a friend who means the world to me. At time there was silence, laughter, tears, grunts, fun and a sense of achievement at the end. Nature for us is so important. What is does for our body both mentally and physically is amazing. We tried to explain to each other what it does. As the miles where clocking in and I allowed my mind to be free and not get tangled in any thoughts I was amazed. I said to Ashleigh I've had images, memories both good and bad replays from times of dispair and hope yet because we're walking and in this beautiful place I've not let it take over I've allowed it to come into my mind and slowly pass back out. She agreed its leaving in ...

I'm snapping, emotional, hurting inside, I want to so badly retract back into myself, hide from the world everyone and everything. The feelings running through my body and creeping back into my mind telling me your weak, a failure, pathetic, undeserving. 9th March 2017...the day keeps replaying in my head over and over. I know its been coming but I've tried at times to accept, ignore, feel, allow them in however today I've hit a wall. I haven't been fully present, distracted often sat dissociated, then I get angry that I'm allowing this to effect me and my day fully committed to work.  9th March 2017, my medical board. No matter what your never fully prepared for how your going to feel, cope, understand what to take it or not. Secretly hoping all will work out and you get a GROW programme to progress back to work to let you stay in the army to carry on serving once your better. (Will I ever be better)  I sat in the waiting room only a few weeks after an attempt on m...