Inside of me there is a flicker of light, this light is growing brighter and brighter in order to tell the truth about the depths of my depression and PTSD to the one person who loves me the most.
MY HUSBAND
The one person that loves you with everything, that you vowed in sickness and in health for better for worst they will always be there for you.
Yet that person you push so far away from you, the person you minimise how you really feel, what you have really done, you pick that carpet up and brush it all under never to talk about any of it because we're coping as us. Yet deep in me I was dying with pain, emotions, loneliness, confusion, loss, grief, and sadness from years of suppression, loss, pain from abuse in the military, alone and unsupported on tour, scared of dying every day, to return mentally broken and my physical health deteriating quickly.
Why do we do this? Why push the person you love so much away from you, why are we unable to reach out to them and say I'm hurting and this is why...
I never wanted to fail my husband or, embarrase him, lose him, hurt him, appear weak to him. He is my husband and I felt disgusted that I was broken, weak, useless, unworthy, pathetic and much more.
He is my husband, a civilian when I met him yet I am so immensely proud of his career of 24 yrs and a warrant officer class 2. (For some strange reason thinking about this now I felt pressure to prove to him I was good enough in the army.) I never wanted him to ever think god she is useless (even though I know he wouldn't) (why do we tell ourselves these incorrect stories)
I blocked my husband on twitter because to me this was my free platform to say how I feel when I'm sad, happy, struggling, alone, confused etc (yet I should do that with him, I should tell him) yet doing it this way there is no judgement, no worrying him, no explaining.
He doesn't know about these blogs, he doesn't know I've featured on a podcast, he doesn't know when the bad days have been as I still wear that mask in my own home, the place where I should be allowed to take that mask off to be free, safe, sad, happy, scared, anxious etc.
Don't get me wrong we are the best we have been for years, I love him so so much with all my heart and he deserves to know how I feel, why I feel like this and when I feel these ways. He does sometimes but far from the truth, he gets I'm sad and cause I can be. How on earth must he feel with that, how is he meant to help with no or little information.
It's funny I'm writing this because I nearly said to him today I need to talk to you about something this was going to lead to me saying about the blogs but something stopped me. Instead we laughed at the dog getting jealous cause I gave him a kiss, I said no therapy next week shrink on leave, but I'm so much stronger you are know longer married to a fully Batshit crazy wife 😂 that's all I could manage.
I feel if I tell him all this about the blogs, the podcast, the truth the the depth of everything I Will lose him, he will be disgusted with me, or I hurt him, I've failed him and he falls out of love with me. Then in therapy I said I will throw him the link tell him to read them and never to talk to me about them again. Pick that carpet up and brush it all under please. (This is the habit that needs breaking we have done that to much)
Then reading the book The Gift there is a quote
"You can't know the truth about your relationship until you deal with your own wounds, until you Bury & leave behind all the things from the past you're still dragging behind".
How true is this.
I needed to work on ME, in order to be there for him and our kids, I needed to find me, a purpose, meaning, I needed to grieve, gain strength, understanding, coping tools, knowledge of the mind, the journey I'm on and new path I'm creating.
There is no way I could say all of this to him because I couldn't make sense of it myself. Only now with the growing, learning and understanding the light I mentioned at the beginning is becoming brighter ✨🙌💛 to be me the whole me in order to sit down and say to him when I was broken I was fully broken and I'm so sorry I was never able to tell you the truth and be honest and open with you.
The vulnerability I talk about so often, I feel so scared to be vulnerable with him for the fear of rejection.
I still have a few more traumas to talk about and process in therapy, yet I've never felt this strong for years and years. I remember meeting my therapist and in one of our first sessions talking about my childhood my words "yeh I mean my dad hit me, was a drunk, was in and out of my life but it was fine,like every normal childhood"
I never wanted to discuss my childhood or believe this had any part of me becoming ill..One thing is during this time the army had said its all down to your childhood this was the biggest punch to the stomach like all the bullying at phase 2, the sexual harrasment, assault, the neglect on tour etc was all acceptable (bollocks) this made me stop talking about this, shut childhood down. This actually is dangerous because your not able to be open and honest for the fear of not getting justice for what has happened.
What happens in childhood is where all your beliefs start from. The saying my foundations were built on sand, and all the extra trauma ontop of that my foundations broke. I never learnt to feel, show emotions, ask for help, be loved in childhood so when times got hard in adolescence I retracted, I worked harder, I didn't ask for help, I went at it alone = You cannot do it alone, you need a person.
Digressed abit,
The main thing is, if your partner loves you, and you tell them you are struggling (be vulnerable) they will still love you, they will still be there for you (if not and they run great escape for you).
I will in time gain the full gut wrenching strength to be fully vulnerable and tell my husband this dirty little secret of blogs, podcasts and the true depth of my depression when I'm at that right point (it's so close)
I will tell him how sorry I am, how I needed to work on me, how i love him with all my heart and how I know deed down he has always been by my side and that all he has wanted to do it help me but I haven't let him, so he doesn't know how. Dont push them away they love you.
To my darling husband when I give you all this please believe me that I love you with every inch of me, my heart fills with pride that you are mine, the love that you give both me and our children is endless and they are so lucky to have you as their father 👨💖 thank you for dealing with me and holding the family together when I couldn't. I LOVE YOU 💘💗♥
I love you so very much xx
ReplyDeleteI love you so very much xx
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