I wasn't even 18 when I boarded that train to head down to Pirbright to start my training to become a soldier in the British Army. 8th October 2000 Preston - Pirbright.
Years in the Air Cadet before and I loved every moment and couldn't see myself doing anything other than being in the Armed Forces.
Heading out on night Excercise
Show at Lake windermere
Basic training was hard, I didnt expect it to be easy it was also so very rewarding. The long days, sleepless nights, running round in circles, press ups after press ups, hill reps, inspections, block jobs, discipline they all resulted in the most rewarding day. My (our) pass off parade and what a day that was.WE DID IT, WE MADE IT. Standing tall, bursting with pride we were ready for the next stage, slowly we were moving to the real army. GIRLS WE SMASHED IT.
Pass off section photo
I went to Deepcut during a difficult time there was so many mixed emotions being there. I had a difficult time but kept my head down, never gave up, fought through, did my training and was outta there woohoo. First unit here I come - London.
I was so excited this was it, no more bullshit this was the proper army, be treated as a human, repecst, trust, loyalty, dignity and I was so excited to put into practice what I had learnt and start my trade giving it 100%.
I arrived at my unit Sunday, and was straight down the pub getting to know everyone I instantly felt in place. This was it all was going to be ok.
Years went on, new postings from London to Germany, Belgium, back to London, cotswolds along with visiting Iraq, Brunei, Afghanistan and my final posting to Cyprus.
I had two goals all I wanted was to complete 22 years and become a Sgt to be in the Mess.
Even though I absolutely loved my first unit it didn't quite go to plan having went through 2 years of sexual harrasment, assault and bullying I questioned if I had done the right thing joining the army. However somewhere in me was the love and passion and to give it another go. I was fortunate and got promoted in 2004 to LCpl. However sometimes I thought this was just a gift for all the shit I went through and the court martial on top of that. However still proud.
I met my husband to be and I headed to Ramstein Air Base in Germany an amazing posting loved it. South Germany jist beautiful. Loved doing my job, connecting, supporting it was fantastic.
These postings were very small units we would be attached and no more than 3 people. So when I received my posting order to a regiment lets say I was petrified however I learnt so much and had some of the best times ever in my life, organised an amazing charity event that 22 people parachuted and we raised over £5000 for 2 charities.
Eager to go on tour I was soon on pre deployment training and in Afghanistan 2011-2012 winter tour leaving the husband and 2 children at home. It was a life experience I will never forget going all over afghan, in charge of the troops I gained my Cpl promotion while there and substantive on my return. Absolutely over the moon, proud and felt everything was going to plan. I was loving life.
Life was pretty amazing. My goals were edging closer all the time 22 years and Sgts mess that was it my GOAL.
I volunteered to go back out to afghan 2012 - 2013 again winter tour, this time I ran my office and over seen the running off 3 others offices in Kabul.
Me and my brother quick catch up while changing locations.
This tour ended my career I'm not strong enough yet to say what happened one thing I will say was I had a break down and nearly ended my life. On my return things didn't go well. I was posted to cyprus and I hide my issues as much as I could. I tried to power through I even reached my first goal I was promoted to SGT I was over the moon but so broken inside, so alone, confused, hurt, angry, annoyed and lost. unfortunately becoming ever more broken, using alcohol to numb the pain. While I was based in Cyprus my physical injuries became worst I abused pain meds and my mental health also got worst wanting to end it all. My marriage nearly over I was a lost person, feeling completely alone.
I returned to the UK to the personal recovery unit in catterick having been signed off I was now classed as a wounded, injured and sick soldier. Devastated. I was hoping I would be given a GROW program back to work but unfortunately my mental health was to bad and I had undergone surgery to break my pelvis in 3 places in order to fix and preserve my HIP as much as possible. (Still need the right one doing)
The medical board was one of the hardest days of my life 😪 being told your career was over, having it all taken away from you in an hour appointment ripped my insides out, punch me in the stomach and kick the living hell out off me, that's what it felt liked happened to me. I felt stamped on, beaten what on earth am I going to do? All I have known is the army.
Who is going to what to employ me
I'm useless
I've failed at my career, my job, I'm a mess, a waste
No confidence
Couldn't even understand what a job application was asking for you to do.
No CV
No Skills
No Qualifications
I was scared so very very scared.
I was lucky I had a personal recovery officer who assigned me to my own CTP assist lady Christine who was amazing. I didn't care what I did I just needed a job, job security an income and to learn at what to expect to be honest.
Eventually with her assistance with understanding job applications, working with me pulling out of me what I had done, the skills I held I was completing applications and in time receiving job interviews and job offers, even turning them down I was over the moon, overwhelmed, excited. However also devastated, reality hits, hand your uniform in done and dusted 1 month shy of 18 years career over. This is painful 😢
I've titled this letting go. I haven't yet, I can't yet, so much has happened and I'm working on so much to fix my mental health as much as possible. Having CPTSD I haven't come to terms with it that I'm going to have this for the rest of my life its learning to live with it, accept it, try and cope with all the feelings, emotions, guilt, hurt, shame, loss it will take time.
I have a job thats the main thing
I'm lucky, I never gave up as I needed one to pay the mortgage, bills and buy food. You can get there. Dont get me wrong its the hardest thing becoming a civilian the biggest learning curve I've been on. You feel like an alien in a different environment, hold back to banter incase you cross the line, some don't get it.
I struggle mentally at times however the right employers do understand. I'm still not settled because the love and passion isn't there and I'm trying to find the right career but when your in a job its easier to keep looking, adding to your CV, Skills and knowledge.
All I knew was the Army and I lost it all im trying to let go and in time I might however at the moment fighting on, reaching out when struggling, mindfulness, doing and saying what YOU need is the most important thing. Look after yourself in order to gain the strength to manage relationships, marriage, parenthood and friendship.
To anyone reading this truly you are worthy, your amazing, you deserve what you need, never give up, keep fighting, reach out and don't suffer in silence - I did I nearly cost me my life, my marrige and mother to my children
NEVER GIVE UP.
My first day in my first civilian job. I walked out shocked 😲 and proud I could smash it.
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