Suicidal thoughts even now after coming up 4 years since my last suicide attempt i still get them, I still feel an overwhelming sense i should have done it, i don't want to feel anymore, be here, I'm a disappointment to my children & family, they are better without a messed up mum, wife, they would be happier.
However the thoughts of wanting to do it now are different in a way. I can sit (it takes time) and think I'm not as bad as I was a few years back. I have more strength, knowledge, understanding on my feelings, emotions, what's causing this pain & upset that allows me to stop, figure it out, reach out, write things down, get it out of me and process it in order to carry on fighting. It can be done. I've suppressed emotions practically all my life, its only now with the help of my amazing therapist I am understanding they are there to guide you, tell you how you feel, allow you to process, fix and figure things out. Allowing your feelings is not weak its a sign of courage, vulnerability, strength, determination.
4 years ago roughly I was with a new therapist. She was a temp but was eager to start EDMR. She said "I'm not going anywhere, 10 to 12 weeks we will have it done" OK I say. We start the process. My god the post painful process I've felt, but a way I didnt have to tell her detailed incidents. Anyway I got to the worst part of what I had done - I was broken in absolute pieces, the physical pain in my chest hurt so badly I couldn't breathe. The anger I felt I wanted to smash the dark small cubbie hole up to get whatever was inside off me out ( it felt like someone or thing was inside my chest)
She tried to calm me down we sat silent. Then the dreaded words i always felt would happen I'M LEAVING THIS IS OUR LAST SESSION, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE ASSIGNED TO SOMEONE ELSE IN TIME.....
WTF I felt numb instantly, boiling inside but quiet with it, confused and at a loss. I said I'm broken, I'm not sure I can cope, I don't even feel like my meds help.
OK she said let's quickly pop in to see head doc. All I remember was him saying "if you don't feel like they work the only way to tell is to come off them" me "ok"
I left got into my transport a shell, a lost, numb, confused, dumped, angry, shell. Black is all i seen, no hope, no idea when i would see a therapist again. Dumped midway through EDMR I'm dead inside.
I sat and kept repeating "if they don't work come off them" is it me or the meds. SO I DID, I came off them - goodbye meds.
With in the next few weeks my personal recovery office was at a lost, she wanted me to be sectioned go into hospital and have a break but she couldn't people where unable to assist her in either getting me a therpist, getting me in hospital, or support. Its couldn't be done from her say so that I'm in a bad way, something would need to happen.
It got harder and harder, i would sit on the cliff top crying, in pain, no care in the world of my family, I was hurting, dead inside. I couldn't see a way out. The only way I seen was suicide. Jump off the cliff, walk out in front of a lorry, drive my car under a lorry on the motorway these was the kind of things that would go through my head.
I was on serious pain meds as well at the time so I would take one, then 2 and another, another, another and keep going but stop,
until the 25th September 2016. They day before my sons 10th birthday I could no longer cope and I tired to take my life by taking an overdose.
However I'm here to see another day.
If you under a therapist 👇👇👇
Recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
Its not easy, its painful, tiring, uncomfortable, emotional and so much more.
Key though is to ensure your comfortable with your therapist, you need that connection if you don't it can block your recovery, you will surpress your emotions and distant yourself.
If you haven't got the right one it's OK to speak up and say i don't think this is working, that's OK. Its your recovery.
Never give up, these places are the places that are the most painful, difficult, excruciating times and you are simply hovering on very thin cracking ice to find thar last bit of inner strength to not do it or to completely collapse and do it. You never really know and at that point, that point is the hardest to pick a phone up and say i cannot do it no more.
I hope any person reading this if your there at that point I beg you 🙏 hunt, find, get it from somewhere to tell someone your not OK. You matter so much to someone and so many people out there. You will not think it but you do
#ItsOkayToNotBeOkay
#youmatter
#yourrecoverymatters
#yourworthy
#yourloved
#speakout
#dontsufferinsilence
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