A victim, felt like the problem 😕

I joined the Army October 2000.

I joined my first unit 2002, overjoyed and super proud and excited of the career ahead. 

I absolutely loved it meeting new people, based in London, small unit, finally doing my trade.

I remember arriving Sunday pottering around in my room when a knock on the door. "Hi I'm Scotty coming pub few of us going down" what a Sunday session. I knew fun times were to come after a difficult time at Deepcut. 

The first year was amazing I absolutely loved it, travelled London, nights out in Camden, Leicester Square, sightseeing and growing in knowledge in my trade I was loving life. This is what its finally about the true Army.

I was asked to go and assist in another department, short staffed and you got chances of going away, driving round UK & Europe staying in hotels sure why not.

Things started well and I was again still enjoying life until things took a turn for the worst. I became a target the only female in the section, it soon turned into hell. A sgt well known in the unit began harassing me, verbally abusing me in a sexualy explicit sence. Numerous of time I would say "really please stop" and more harsher words. 

This went on in front of Cpl's and Warrant officers, civilian members of staff and junior ranks. 

The phrase "ITS BANTER" just take it was the only thing I would hear.

It escalted to physical assault when i was alone in the vehicle ordered to drive him to another camp and other times in front of others. One time especially I was pushed to the floor in front of a warrant officer and my abuser (sgt) physically forced himself onto of me pinning me to the floor while pretending to do things to me. The warrent officer doing nothing but laughing. Where do I go from here? 

I couldn't take it no more, I was scared to report it, WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME A pte not long in the unit really. My life would be made hell, he threatened me saying to me no one would believe me.

I turned to drink and cutting. Lost, alone, scared, angry, frustrated. Where do I go what do I do. 

One night I held the pills I kept taking them one after another and another. I went to hospital and was given treatment for an overdose. I lied to the SMO and said i had a migraine and forgot how many I had taken. 

Until he did it again threatened me and while I completely lost it and tried to punch him over his desk outside the RSM's office i was dragged in and questioned. What on earth is going on, I broke you want to know well here goes. The SIB were quickly called in, no time to think, no time to back out, forget it all, it was like a bomb had gone off in the unit.

I was moved department 

I was told stay out of the way

I was told keep shut 

I was left alone while he carried on as normal, interacting with everyone, found out bribing the witnesses worried what would be said.

I was made to feel like the bad person.

All this made me feel like I had done wrong, I should have kept my mouth shut, I should have took it as banter, I was stupid for speaking up. Verbally abused by his wife my life turned even more into hell. I couldn't walk anywhere around camp. 

And you wonder why victims don't speak up.

The drinking got worse, i didnt give a shit, i was lost and alone no contact with anyone shut out from the whole unit I went to the doctors and admitted what I did. I already had a break planned to go to Canada. It was lovely however bags on the plane to return i couldn't and asked for my luggage and went AWOL.  Soon to be contacted by the RSM saying all will be OK at the court martial come back. 

I couldn't face him, camp, colleagues, work a court martial. Even though I was a VICTIM I was made to feel like I DID WRONG. 

The court martial came the worst day ever. Hearing it all again, but trying not to listen to it at all feeling so detached your alone in a room full of people. The judge allowed him to serve 2 more years to complete his 22 due to an ill child otherwise they said he would have been kicked out all together. He was reduced to the rank of a pte and sentenced to 6 months. 

None of this made it any easier, I was made aware he had done it before but the carpet was lifted, it was sweapted under and he was posted...logic ay move the problem......

I cracked on with my careeer trying to put it all behind me never remembering it again until it all started coming back when I mentally broke down in Kabul on my final tour. I questioned why am I thinking of all this, why is this coming into my head now. Its suppressing emotions, army mentality get on with it, man up, crack on until breaking point happened and everything came back up.

I'm writing this to say never ever be scared to speak up, use your voice, say if you are unhappy, been made to feel uncomfortable, disagree with something. It will be the hardest thing you do but by god the strongest. The courage it takes might me the last bit of strength you have but please use it and don't suffer in silence..