I don't really know where to start. I'm trying to get to the bottom of a few issues. Trying to fix my head, feelings, memories, thoughts, so thought I might try by getting some thoughts and feelings down while I'm feeling them.
Anger....
I feel angry at the managers who didnt help when i asked for help.
I feel angry at the people who I then had to go and work with when I was broken - seeing them carry on like they are all fine, moaning that it's another day in bastion, how much work they have, and so on.
I had to do it on my own. For you all it's another day in Bastion a massive camp, you can breath, you can walk more than 1km in a circle, your working together not alone, your not trapped in a small camp, your not on the road every day or every other day, your management are there so if you have a problem you can see them rather than over the phone where you get fobbed off, they were there to fight your corner.
I'm writing this and my chest is tight, my jaw is clenched, teeth grinded together images of situation, words that were said, they are there replaying.
I asked for help you left me, you left me alone on my own, in my own fucked up scared head. I didn't want to fail anyone, my office was perfect, perfect standard, always open on time, stuff sorted asap for everyone, reports done, everything was always done and ready for everyone, I was proud if it, proud of my job, ensuring everyone else in the other offices in Kabul were ok, what needed to be upheld to complete my tour sucsessfully, strength, determination, proud, robust, loyalty, trust, communication with the other offices, I had it all, i was doing it.
The other unit were breaking me bit by bit, minute by minute, road move by road move, guard duty by guard duty. Yes I will admit I was scared, I feared for my life, i was nervous, I didnt sleep, I was alone, so so alone, trapped always trapped no where to run or escape. you did things that shouldn't have been done and that put me in such scary, uncertain, fearful and disturbing situations.
Again I asked you to help me you didnt. I'm feeling and seeing how I felt when you lied to my face and left me. I was so angry, i cried and cried, I was lost, my management turned their backs on me. (I'm feeling sick) I'm alone (I always feel alone, quite alot) know one to help me now, I've got to keep going. If I stop I've failed my management and I've failed at the task in hand that was given to me, I'm weak, I've failed, I've lost the battle to complete my job.
I quit. I nearly ended it, I was a split second away from ending my life. Wantint to Pull that trigger, it was my out, something made me stop.
I dont know what but I didn't do it. (I feel tight chested, so cold, all I can see is blackness)
My officer came up to Kabul and escorted me back to Bastion due to being aeromeded to the field hospital to the mental health ward to see a shrink. I felt so much pain, embarrassment, shame, and anger. You sent two people to take over My office, my rifle was taken off me due to medication, I felt like i was being baby sat, useless, i have failed, I'm weak, my head is going though something I was not understanding I wasnt injured or blown up and the embarrassment of walking off that plane and into hospital when so many others hadn't I was ashamed. I didnt want to be anywhere, see anyone, talk to anyone or show anyone anything was up. I had to be this stone rock of a person that I had learnt to be, show no fear, show no pain, show no sadness. Show no emotions.
Since my last physical therapist session, we ripped a bandage off the wound and it's open, its sore, its painful, I'm feeling and these emotions are hurting me so so much, the neasuea so powerful that I'm physically sick. I also think its ripped up every inch of what then played out to carry on ending my career (I'm crying cause I'm sad now it hurts in my chest that it's all over) I've been replaying it over and over again. From the moment I left that session its been like a record on repeat. I'm trying to fix, question, process, organise, feel every step during and after the moment I held that rifle and wanted it all to be over in hope that it will all subside in some way, leave me alone, stop waking me up at night, stop getting me angry, stop effecting my driving. I know I need to forget and move on but that moment ended my career, it ended my love for the army, its ended my relationship I had with it, the trust I once had was gone, I was scared to trust anyone after that, I broke over the next year and a half bit by bit by bit.
everyone kept prodding, poking, pushing, breaking me. When I got back from tour the squadron where unsupportive even when Charlie my dog was killed nothing no support, the doctor I felt pathetic seeing, the first phycologist at Brize his first words so why couldn't you cope....fuck you I walked out. I didnt go back for a while until the doctor said I have to and I started to see someone else just about feelings she never knew the half of it cause I didnt even know where to start or what was happening.
Hoping Cyprus was going to be a fresh start for us all that went from ok to hell.
The sound of the Hercules.
The view of the mountains.
I wanted my rifle when collecting the items from the flight...confused and missing it.
I was alone.
So much turmoil in work.
I had to carry on therapy to be told by my sergeant I was letting the side down, did I really need my appointments. I was the weak link.
My hips broke on me, I got awful pain in my wrist in which I ended up with RSI in both.
I was a drunk, my marriage nearly over.
Then,
I got promoted and thought right this is it for me let's go, I reached my one of 2 goals, let's do it but who was I kidding. I was told I needed to be stronger by my management (the 2 individual's that caused so much turmoil in work), I needed to grow, be tough, assertive move on from the mental health, leave the emotions and feelings aside tour is over. I tried my best to forget, use pain meds wisely to train hard to focus on my fitness yet I was sinking so much, I was infact drowning everyday I wanted to end my life, everyday thinking how can I do it, how can I get rid of this emotional and physical pain that was hurting me so badly.
I'm currently sat crying intensely, feeling it's the end over again, angry, sad, hurt, ashamed embarrassed, I was dumped aside, made to feel useless, I was forgotten about, not one person from my unit visited me when I ended up man down and at home on sick. Not one..................that is painful.
These, these were the most painful times in my life, the ones that have turned my world, career and love for who I was upside down. I havent gone into details of incidents from tour, cause I dont feel that's going to help me. My therapist knows them, but the emotions and the ending that this has all bought, along with the dreams,visions, emotions, feelings have lead to me now suffering with depression and CPTSD #angry #disgusted #hurt #frustrated #lost #alone #trapped #ashamed #pathetic #fightingconstantly #noncombat #logistics #feelweak some words I'm linking when I say I have CPTSD. ( I've gone through years of sexually harassment,bullying, assault then court martial yet this, this tour has hurt me the most and messed with my head in ways I never thought could even be possible).
I dont want to forgive anyone I want to feel accepted, loved, respected, a self worth in a job again, I want to be the helper to others so they never ever feel or go through what I have. To have had every inch of your confidence, self worth, respect for yourself kicked out of you from the ones who were meant to be your management, colleagues and even friends. The army destroyed me and then kicked me to the side like a piece of rubbish. The phrase your just a number is thrown around alot but it's right. The term it's one big family - yes until your broken then your the weak link and disguarded, no longer required for service, well and truly mentally and physically screwed. Goodbye.
This leads to me feeling so emotionally sad, lost and alone, I cry, it hurts in my chest, it starts from deep in my gut and slowly comes up bit by bit all the way up towards my chest (there it is the sick feeling again) and I cry, it's gone, it's over, the job you loved its lost....I've lost is all.ðŸ˜ðŸ¤¢ðŸ¤®
Anger....
I feel angry at the managers who didnt help when i asked for help.
I feel angry at the people who I then had to go and work with when I was broken - seeing them carry on like they are all fine, moaning that it's another day in bastion, how much work they have, and so on.
I had to do it on my own. For you all it's another day in Bastion a massive camp, you can breath, you can walk more than 1km in a circle, your working together not alone, your not trapped in a small camp, your not on the road every day or every other day, your management are there so if you have a problem you can see them rather than over the phone where you get fobbed off, they were there to fight your corner.
I'm writing this and my chest is tight, my jaw is clenched, teeth grinded together images of situation, words that were said, they are there replaying.
I asked for help you left me, you left me alone on my own, in my own fucked up scared head. I didn't want to fail anyone, my office was perfect, perfect standard, always open on time, stuff sorted asap for everyone, reports done, everything was always done and ready for everyone, I was proud if it, proud of my job, ensuring everyone else in the other offices in Kabul were ok, what needed to be upheld to complete my tour sucsessfully, strength, determination, proud, robust, loyalty, trust, communication with the other offices, I had it all, i was doing it.
The other unit were breaking me bit by bit, minute by minute, road move by road move, guard duty by guard duty. Yes I will admit I was scared, I feared for my life, i was nervous, I didnt sleep, I was alone, so so alone, trapped always trapped no where to run or escape. you did things that shouldn't have been done and that put me in such scary, uncertain, fearful and disturbing situations.
Again I asked you to help me you didnt. I'm feeling and seeing how I felt when you lied to my face and left me. I was so angry, i cried and cried, I was lost, my management turned their backs on me. (I'm feeling sick) I'm alone (I always feel alone, quite alot) know one to help me now, I've got to keep going. If I stop I've failed my management and I've failed at the task in hand that was given to me, I'm weak, I've failed, I've lost the battle to complete my job.
I quit. I nearly ended it, I was a split second away from ending my life. Wantint to Pull that trigger, it was my out, something made me stop.
I dont know what but I didn't do it. (I feel tight chested, so cold, all I can see is blackness)
My officer came up to Kabul and escorted me back to Bastion due to being aeromeded to the field hospital to the mental health ward to see a shrink. I felt so much pain, embarrassment, shame, and anger. You sent two people to take over My office, my rifle was taken off me due to medication, I felt like i was being baby sat, useless, i have failed, I'm weak, my head is going though something I was not understanding I wasnt injured or blown up and the embarrassment of walking off that plane and into hospital when so many others hadn't I was ashamed. I didnt want to be anywhere, see anyone, talk to anyone or show anyone anything was up. I had to be this stone rock of a person that I had learnt to be, show no fear, show no pain, show no sadness. Show no emotions.
Since my last physical therapist session, we ripped a bandage off the wound and it's open, its sore, its painful, I'm feeling and these emotions are hurting me so so much, the neasuea so powerful that I'm physically sick. I also think its ripped up every inch of what then played out to carry on ending my career (I'm crying cause I'm sad now it hurts in my chest that it's all over) I've been replaying it over and over again. From the moment I left that session its been like a record on repeat. I'm trying to fix, question, process, organise, feel every step during and after the moment I held that rifle and wanted it all to be over in hope that it will all subside in some way, leave me alone, stop waking me up at night, stop getting me angry, stop effecting my driving. I know I need to forget and move on but that moment ended my career, it ended my love for the army, its ended my relationship I had with it, the trust I once had was gone, I was scared to trust anyone after that, I broke over the next year and a half bit by bit by bit.
everyone kept prodding, poking, pushing, breaking me. When I got back from tour the squadron where unsupportive even when Charlie my dog was killed nothing no support, the doctor I felt pathetic seeing, the first phycologist at Brize his first words so why couldn't you cope....fuck you I walked out. I didnt go back for a while until the doctor said I have to and I started to see someone else just about feelings she never knew the half of it cause I didnt even know where to start or what was happening.
Hoping Cyprus was going to be a fresh start for us all that went from ok to hell.
The sound of the Hercules.
The view of the mountains.
I wanted my rifle when collecting the items from the flight...confused and missing it.
I was alone.
So much turmoil in work.
I had to carry on therapy to be told by my sergeant I was letting the side down, did I really need my appointments. I was the weak link.
My hips broke on me, I got awful pain in my wrist in which I ended up with RSI in both.
I was a drunk, my marriage nearly over.
Then,
I got promoted and thought right this is it for me let's go, I reached my one of 2 goals, let's do it but who was I kidding. I was told I needed to be stronger by my management (the 2 individual's that caused so much turmoil in work), I needed to grow, be tough, assertive move on from the mental health, leave the emotions and feelings aside tour is over. I tried my best to forget, use pain meds wisely to train hard to focus on my fitness yet I was sinking so much, I was infact drowning everyday I wanted to end my life, everyday thinking how can I do it, how can I get rid of this emotional and physical pain that was hurting me so badly.
I'm currently sat crying intensely, feeling it's the end over again, angry, sad, hurt, ashamed embarrassed, I was dumped aside, made to feel useless, I was forgotten about, not one person from my unit visited me when I ended up man down and at home on sick. Not one..................that is painful.
These, these were the most painful times in my life, the ones that have turned my world, career and love for who I was upside down. I havent gone into details of incidents from tour, cause I dont feel that's going to help me. My therapist knows them, but the emotions and the ending that this has all bought, along with the dreams,visions, emotions, feelings have lead to me now suffering with depression and CPTSD #angry #disgusted #hurt #frustrated #lost #alone #trapped #ashamed #pathetic #fightingconstantly #noncombat #logistics #feelweak some words I'm linking when I say I have CPTSD. ( I've gone through years of sexually harassment,bullying, assault then court martial yet this, this tour has hurt me the most and messed with my head in ways I never thought could even be possible).
I dont want to forgive anyone I want to feel accepted, loved, respected, a self worth in a job again, I want to be the helper to others so they never ever feel or go through what I have. To have had every inch of your confidence, self worth, respect for yourself kicked out of you from the ones who were meant to be your management, colleagues and even friends. The army destroyed me and then kicked me to the side like a piece of rubbish. The phrase your just a number is thrown around alot but it's right. The term it's one big family - yes until your broken then your the weak link and disguarded, no longer required for service, well and truly mentally and physically screwed. Goodbye.
This leads to me feeling so emotionally sad, lost and alone, I cry, it hurts in my chest, it starts from deep in my gut and slowly comes up bit by bit all the way up towards my chest (there it is the sick feeling again) and I cry, it's gone, it's over, the job you loved its lost....I've lost is all.ðŸ˜ðŸ¤¢ðŸ¤®
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