Sunday's they are normally the days of preparation for work the next day.
However at this moment in time I'm sitting in the garden listening to the birds feeling a variety of emotions. I have nothing to prep for. I am in an unknown location I'm leaving my current job so on leave, locked down, unable to start my new job still locked down wondering where in life I am at.
After the response I received from people who read my blog the other day on my feelings I was overwhelmed. People said it may help others, that they had related to them feelings I had wrote about. I was taken back. Normally I would have suppressed all them feelings and emotions and pushed them so far inside my body to never let them out.....(NOT GOOD)
I'm not to sure on where to start or what to do. Do I tell my story so far or Just a day of feelings??? I ask myself and I'm still unsure.
So I'm starting with both a loss and how I supressed it all.
SUPPRESSION...
This has been one hell of a major issue for me. I grew up and thinking back now I cannot sit and remember feeling many emotions when I was growing up. Mother was my mother worked hard, my father a mmmmm difficult to describe tough, drunk, unreliable, uncertain when around him. I cannot remember much about my childhood until maybe 10ish. Sitting now allowing feelings I cannot remember feeling loved. I mean I know I was but I never felt it.
My grandad lived in canada he use to come visit for a weekend as often as he could. He was the love, he was my everything, he showed me what it felt like to feel loved. I use to melt in his arms when he would visit, he gave the best bear hugs in the world. I was loved....
Sadly my grandad passed away 16th September 1998 and we were unable to go to the funeral. This never felt real. When I was told I was never asked by my parents are you ok? Never given a cuddle and told all will be ok. I never heard his voice again. I lost the love of my life. My heart broken my emotions meant nothing to nobody.
I suppressed everything went to call for my friend, went to school the next day life went on. Show no emotions, do not cry, talk to know one about it, know one asked. Life went on.
2 years later I joined the army. NEVER EVER SHOW EMOTIONS......SIMPLE
My emotions have been suppressed for years and years. I never really thought I had any issues in regards to my grandads death. Having met the therapist I'm with now we decided to leave EDMR for Narritve Exposure Therapy the first stone-trauma, candle-loss in my life was my grandad lets process this and OMG was I hit by the emotions I suppressed for over 20 years. I felt sad, angry, hurt, pain of loss for someone the only one that I felt love from, I longed for him so badly to have one minute again with him. I felt like my world ended again but It didnt it was me processing my emotions that I had suppressed
I think I grieved for him after that, nearly 20 years on.
The point is. Do not suppress your emotions. Allow them to happen, feel them, listen to them, ride them out and cry it's ok to cry. EVEN IF YOUR A MAN....its ok for men to have emotions and cry I sure wish my husband showed them to me because I feel it wouldnt be such a barrier between us at times.
Dont hold them in cause they come back to bite you in the ass later down the line. Mine are still biting me in the ass because the army taught me to never show emotions its weak, you have to be strong, man up etc etc and here in am depression, anxiety, PTSD. hell to all that bullshit you show your emotions and if you need to reach out and ask for help, call a friend, message someone cause I tell you now I bet they have felt some of the feelings you might be feeling yourself and ITS OK.
(Hopefully the army mentality has changed)
I'm sitting here after reading over and over this thinking of the times I had with my grandad, how lucky I was to have him for the time I did, how lucky I was that I was shown how it is to feel loved, how lucky I was to be loved at that time.
He made me smile
He made me laugh
He brought light to every room he walked in
He cared
He gave the best bear hugs
He was my everything
I feel at peace for him, I'm smiling thinking about him and writing this, I feel alittle sad but it's a good sad, it's a I miss him sad.
Grief is hard with many powerful emotions and it takes time but when it happens allow them emotions and please do not suppress them. Xx
However at this moment in time I'm sitting in the garden listening to the birds feeling a variety of emotions. I have nothing to prep for. I am in an unknown location I'm leaving my current job so on leave, locked down, unable to start my new job still locked down wondering where in life I am at.
After the response I received from people who read my blog the other day on my feelings I was overwhelmed. People said it may help others, that they had related to them feelings I had wrote about. I was taken back. Normally I would have suppressed all them feelings and emotions and pushed them so far inside my body to never let them out.....(NOT GOOD)
I'm not to sure on where to start or what to do. Do I tell my story so far or Just a day of feelings??? I ask myself and I'm still unsure.
So I'm starting with both a loss and how I supressed it all.
SUPPRESSION...
This has been one hell of a major issue for me. I grew up and thinking back now I cannot sit and remember feeling many emotions when I was growing up. Mother was my mother worked hard, my father a mmmmm difficult to describe tough, drunk, unreliable, uncertain when around him. I cannot remember much about my childhood until maybe 10ish. Sitting now allowing feelings I cannot remember feeling loved. I mean I know I was but I never felt it.
My grandad lived in canada he use to come visit for a weekend as often as he could. He was the love, he was my everything, he showed me what it felt like to feel loved. I use to melt in his arms when he would visit, he gave the best bear hugs in the world. I was loved....
Sadly my grandad passed away 16th September 1998 and we were unable to go to the funeral. This never felt real. When I was told I was never asked by my parents are you ok? Never given a cuddle and told all will be ok. I never heard his voice again. I lost the love of my life. My heart broken my emotions meant nothing to nobody.
I suppressed everything went to call for my friend, went to school the next day life went on. Show no emotions, do not cry, talk to know one about it, know one asked. Life went on.
2 years later I joined the army. NEVER EVER SHOW EMOTIONS......SIMPLE
My emotions have been suppressed for years and years. I never really thought I had any issues in regards to my grandads death. Having met the therapist I'm with now we decided to leave EDMR for Narritve Exposure Therapy the first stone-trauma, candle-loss in my life was my grandad lets process this and OMG was I hit by the emotions I suppressed for over 20 years. I felt sad, angry, hurt, pain of loss for someone the only one that I felt love from, I longed for him so badly to have one minute again with him. I felt like my world ended again but It didnt it was me processing my emotions that I had suppressed
I think I grieved for him after that, nearly 20 years on.
The point is. Do not suppress your emotions. Allow them to happen, feel them, listen to them, ride them out and cry it's ok to cry. EVEN IF YOUR A MAN....its ok for men to have emotions and cry I sure wish my husband showed them to me because I feel it wouldnt be such a barrier between us at times.
Dont hold them in cause they come back to bite you in the ass later down the line. Mine are still biting me in the ass because the army taught me to never show emotions its weak, you have to be strong, man up etc etc and here in am depression, anxiety, PTSD. hell to all that bullshit you show your emotions and if you need to reach out and ask for help, call a friend, message someone cause I tell you now I bet they have felt some of the feelings you might be feeling yourself and ITS OK.
(Hopefully the army mentality has changed)
I'm sitting here after reading over and over this thinking of the times I had with my grandad, how lucky I was to have him for the time I did, how lucky I was that I was shown how it is to feel loved, how lucky I was to be loved at that time.
He made me smile
He made me laugh
He brought light to every room he walked in
He cared
He gave the best bear hugs
He was my everything
I feel at peace for him, I'm smiling thinking about him and writing this, I feel alittle sad but it's a good sad, it's a I miss him sad.
Grief is hard with many powerful emotions and it takes time but when it happens allow them emotions and please do not suppress them. Xx
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