A day of overwhelming feelings, emotions, self talk my pain

This post from a few weeks ago is what got me into doing some blogs, along with the overwhelming response I received when I shared it on twitter

I've struggled today. Its started yesterday when I believe I was triggered in someway and had an overwhelming sense of emotions. I felt scared, sick, trapped I could feel my chest tighten, my breathing changed and I wanted to scream so loud.

I walked out and took my car and drove. I needed to see something, anything i needed to breath. I cried and cried and then spoke to my therapist.

Today I woke and I knew I wasnt good.

I felt so heavy, so sad, I didnt want to feel like this so I headed out airpods in to listen to the rest of a book. Yet still I couldnt shift this feeling like someone sat on my shoulders on my back pulling me into darkness.

I was longing to hear today that I got a job that I want. unfortunately I still have heard nothing. Was it this playing on my mind? Yes it added to it but there is something else.

6 years ago I returned from Afghanistan. I left a strong, confident, determined person with goals and ambition.

I come back a shell, black inside, lost, I didnt want to be home but i didnt want to be back there. I had hit rock bottom I wanted my life over but one early morning in March, dark and cold something made me carry on.

I sat and got angry. I got angry that I'm still seeing a therapist, I got angry that I'm not the old me, I got angry I'm still here, I got angry that I lost everything about my career.

I made myself take a bath and sit, sit and feel, all I could feel was shame, no self confidence, a lost individual wanting to be held, believed in, supported and encouraged. I feel that I'm not worthy of anything the house, family, a job I want, happiness. I'm just this piece of wrong, this piece of rotten fruit that needs throwing away. I cried so much and asked why why do I feel like this? Why am I not worthy? Yet I don't want to push myself cause i dont want to fail i dont want to be laughed at and told i told you so your useless. I sat and nearly threw up i felt disgusting like i needed to rip my skin off or scrub myself of this sorrow, pain, nastiness what ever it was i wanted it off me.

I'm hurting at the moment so much. Maybe having no news about the job has bought all this up that I am the useless, unworthy, pathetic person I really am I dont know..all I know is that this is me today and my feelings.