Its okay to feel

Dogs.....well what can I say PURE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ❤ AND THEY BREAK YOUR HEART. Part 2. So after Charlie died I said never again. I'm not having another dog. I don't want my heart broken again. In October 2014 I was posted to Cyprus. This was going to be a fresh start, a new me, new determination, ambition, goals, feelings and so much more. Unfortunately my mental health slipped, things were not right with me yet I wasn't sure what was happening. In time I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I was disgusted with myself, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and it secured/installed in me that I had failed and was useless, weak, pathetic and unworthy. One day on BFBS radio they talked about dogs helping people who suffered with depression and PTSD and I told my husband. His first reaction was NO.... We had seen so much in cyprus with lost dogs, dogs dead on the side of the road, abandoned dogs. It was heart breaking. In time though we thou...

Dogs.....well what can I say PURE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ❤ AND THEY BREAK YOUR HEART. The first dog we bought into our family was a Bichon. My husband was away on a work trip to Washington DC. Before he left and many months before we had been talking about getting a dog. We agreed that in time we would. We searched the internet, decided what breed and I found one local to us. My husband said "let's wait, at least till I get back". Ok sure until me, my sister, my son Jake and daughter Olivia thought well let's Just go and have a look. Let's jusy say, having a look never ends that way and we drove back home with this little ball off fluff who we named Charlie. (Not sure why) Here he was, a little pup, the newest member of the family. He was well what can I say funny, loving, dumb, crazy, naughty, playful and loyal he gave us all unconditional love. He Sat over the kids as they slept, followed their every move, cuddled me when the husband was away and the...

This post from a few weeks ago is what got me into doing some blogs, along with the overwhelming response I received when I shared it on twitter I've struggled today. Its started yesterday when I believe I was triggered in someway and had an overwhelming sense of emotions. I felt scared, sick, trapped I could feel my chest tighten, my breathing changed and I wanted to scream so loud. I walked out and took my car and drove. I needed to see something, anything i needed to breath. I cried and cried and then spoke to my therapist. Today I woke and I knew I wasnt good. I felt so heavy, so sad, I didnt want to feel like this so I headed out airpods in to listen to the rest of a book. Yet still I couldnt shift this feeling like someone sat on my shoulders on my back pulling me into darkness. I was longing to hear today that I got a job that I want. unfortunately I still have heard nothing. Was it this playing on my mind? Yes it added to it but there is something else. 6 years...

A beautiful moment in my life I will never forget. I grew up on a small estate maybe 15 kids all together of various high school ages. A girl called Kim she is funny, strong, bright, brave and clever and was a friend who I looked up to. I left Leyland, Lancahsire when I joined the army October 2000. We all lost contact until the social media came to the scene and we all connected again. In 2009 me and Kim were pregnant at the same time. This my second, kim her first. I was due around the 28th Aug 2009, Kim early September 2009. Our due dates flipped and Kim welcomed Frankie into the world 28th Aug 2009. My Olivia was born 8th September 2009 Sadly not long after Frankie was 6 months old he had to go and have so many tests to figure out what what going on. Frankie went from a healthy baby boy eating, holding his head up, cuddles from his mummy and daddy to being sick, screaming in pain, unable to hold his head up and so much more..Kim knew something was wrong. In time Frankie d...

Sunday's they are normally the days of preparation for work the next day. However at this moment in time I'm sitting in the garden listening to the birds feeling a variety of emotions. I have nothing to prep for. I am in an unknown location I'm leaving my current job so on leave, locked down, unable to start my new job still locked down wondering where in life I am at. After the response I received from people who read my blog the other day on my feelings I was overwhelmed. People said it may help others, that they had related to them feelings I had wrote about.  I was taken back. Normally I would have suppressed all them feelings and emotions and pushed them so far inside my body to never let them out.....(NOT GOOD) I'm not to sure on where to start or what to do. Do I tell my story so far or Just a day of feelings??? I ask myself and I'm still unsure. So I'm starting with both a loss and how I supressed it all. SUPPRESSION... This has been one hell...