Its okay to feel

Inside of me there is a flicker of light, this light is growing brighter and brighter in order to tell the truth about the depths of my depression and PTSD to the one person who loves me the most.  MY HUSBAND  The one person that loves you with everything, that you vowed in sickness and in health for better for worst they will always be there for you.  Yet that person you push so far away from you, the person you minimise how you really feel, what you have really done, you pick that carpet up and brush it all under never to talk about any of it because we're coping as us. Yet deep in me I was dying with pain, emotions, loneliness, confusion, loss, grief, and sadness from years of suppression, loss, pain from abuse in the military, alone and unsupported on tour, scared of dying every day, to return mentally broken and my physical health deteriating quickly. Why do we do this? Why push the person you love so much away from you, why are we unable to reach out to them and say...

I never admitted to anyone that I tried to take my life again for the 4th time. After the 3rd time being 25th September 2016 where I was placed into a hospital for 3 weeks it sadly wasn't the last. I had therapy on Thursday where we were continuing my Narrative Exposure Treatment and this session was for me to go through the last suicide attempt being the 25th September 2016. I began to discuss this and go through the whole process with my therapist. This was painful, remembering feeling so empty, dead inside, numb, alone, I didn't care that I was about to leave behind a husband, dog and 2 children. I didnt care that it was the day before my sons 10th birthday, I just wanted for all the pain inside of me both mentally and physically to disappear for ever. I didnt want to be this miserable, burden of an individual that I was. A so called mother and wife to me they deserved better. After the attempt on the 25th September when my husband bought the kids into the hospital the next ...